Ready Set, Not Yet

Look at this crib

In all of its glorious antiquary

Every curve and surface speaks to me

Saying, "Pamper and spoil me

Sand me and oil me, come on"

I know to the untrained eye, it's boring

But nothing's a chore when you're restoring

Apart from frustration, pain, and financial drain, it's fun

Folks say, "Adam

Why do you polish your crib when you don't have a kid?

And even if you did have a kid

This crib is too precious for placing a baby inside it

So it simply exists to remind you

Your sense of perfection is just a reflection

That you are not mentally prepared to make room for a kid, Adam

Why don't you live, Adam?

Just make a start"

Are you willing to take the next step?

Ready, set—

Ready, set—

Look at these jugs!

Amazingly glazed and terracotta-ery

I took some clay and made you pottery

The world will never wreck you

I'll protect you in a mother's embrace

Folks say, "Barbara

Why can't you see that ceramics

Is simply a manifestation of motherly panic

By making a baby that's breakable

Aren't you creating a way of translating the terror

Of making maternal mistakes into clay?

Hiding away so you don't have to face being a bad mom, Barbara

That's what you've done, Barbara

Just make a start"

Are you willing to take the next step?

Ready, set—

Here we stand

At the end of a ten-year plan

A house, a yard, a minivan

A baby should be next

Together, let's leap off the cliff

Fall forever, then smash to bits

Trapped in a terrifying viper pit

Of diapers and regret

Are we willing to take the next step?

Ready, set—

Ready, set—

Not yet

Not yet

Why rush?

Why rush?

Soon enough, our hopes and our dreams will be crushed

But not yet

Not yet

Not now

Not now

Oh?

No!

See? We can't start a family in a house with creaky floorboards!

You are absolutely right

Let's add it to the list

With the cracks in the plaster

The wi-fi should be faster

This sofa needs a castor

The bathroom's a disaster

What about global poverty?

What about world peace?

Then there's the whole darn economy

The whole Middle East

We should learn Mandarin

Yeah, or Spanish at least

No habla español

Dos cervezas, por favor

And that's all we got

And that's not a lot

Do we want a bilingual household or not?

So let's go slow, no breaking a sweat

What's the point of having children if we're drowning in debt?

Yeah, we're totally

Completely

Maybe eighty percent

I'd say seventy-eight

Ready to take the next step

The next step

The next step

The next step

Ready, set, let's—

See, I wasn't kidding, it's a show about death