Fright of Their Lives

Okay

Listen up, I'm not gonna lie

Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly

Or scare a seagull off of a fry

You ever stop to ask yourselves "why?"

Both of you are super polite

Middle class, suburban, and white

Well, all of that is finished tonight

Except for the white part

Obviously

Take your places

I want scary faces

Now go

Bigger

Further

Harder

Not bad

Sever a head

Preferably someone you know

Look at me, I'm so scary

Don't be so vanilla

Would a little anger kill ya?

C'mon, drop your panties

I'm trying to fill ya

With wisdom and skill

And the instinct to kill

Again, we do not want to kill anyone

Fine, but somehow, someway, you gotta make 'em see ya, I'm talkin' jump scares, the jerky Japanese ghost walk

Plus, learn to throw your voice, fool your friends, fun at parties

Now that is cool, I wanna do that

Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy

Raising the stakes by punching a baby

Scare 'em awake till they break

They'll be quaking in fright

'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you

Put all the farmers' markets behind you

You've gotta work

Gotta haunt till it hurts

Through the night

And give those guys the fright of their lives

Yeah, yeah

Let's start with things that you hate

Hate's a very strong word

Perhaps when people are late?

Or getting pooped on by birds?

No, what fills you with rage?

Being mean to a pet

Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette

Over-glutinous food

Right

Or when kids call me "dude"

Sure

Oh, I find that so rude

Well, there's lots there to use

Take a deep breath

And give me your best primal scream

Barbara, that was brilliant

Really?

Try it again

Maybe this time pretend like you mean it

That was even better

Thanks

I want freedom

But to get my freedom, I need 'em

To get a living person to say my name

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice?

I know that beggars can't be choosers

But do they have to be such losers?

Both of them are deathly dull and lame

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice

Why God-slash-Satan, did you send these bed wetters?

Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better

Somebody with gravitas

Somebody to fear who

Excuse me, Mr. Beetlejuice

We can kinda hear you

Yeah? Well, that was a soliloquy, so you're the one who's being rude

Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy

Turn all the lights on

Dress like a baby

Adam, I don't even, no

Get your heads in the game

Let's hide their phones

Screw their phones

Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless

How will I ever survive?

Unless they get the fright of their lives (Yes, yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel again, we're killin' it)

They gotta get the fright of their lives (We're scary, very, very scary)

They'll never get the fright of their lives

Yeah

Ugh