September 1st, 1989

Dear diary:

I think I'm a good person. I believe there's good in everyone

But here we are, first day of senior year

I see these kids I've known all my life and wonder:

What happened?

Freak! Slut!

Burnout! Bug-eyes!

Poser! Lard-ass!

We were so tiny

Happy and shiny

Playing tag and getting chased

Freak! Slut!

Loser! Short bus!

Singing and clapping

Laughing and napping

Baking cookies, eating paste

Bull-dyke! Stuck-up!

Hunchback!

Then we got bigger

That was the trigger

Like the Huns invading Rome

Move!

Sorry!

Welcome to my school, this ain't no high school;

This is the Thunderdome

Hold your breath and count the days-

We're graduating soon

White trash!

College will be paradise

If I'm not dead by June!

But I know, I know

Life can be beautiful

I pray, I pray

For a better way

If we changed back then

We could change again

We can be beautiful...

Ow!

Just not today

Hey, are you okay?

Get away, nerd!

Freak! Slut! Cripple!

Homo! Homo! Homo!

Things will get better

Soon as my letter

Comes from Harvard, Duke, or Brown

Wake from this coma

Take my diploma

Then I can blow this town

Dream of ivy-covered walls

And smoky French cafés

Watch this!

Fight the urge to strike a match and set this dump ablaze!

Oops!

Ram Sweeney. Third year as linebacker, and eighth year of smacking lunch trays and being a huge dick

What did you say to me, skank?

...Nothing!

But I know, I know...

Life can be beautiful

I pray, I pray...

For a better way

We were kind before

We can be kind once more;

We can be beautiful... (Beautiful...)

Aaaagh!

...Hey, Martha

Hey!

Martha Dunnstock. My best friend since diapers

She's got a huge heart. 'Round here, that's not enough

Thanks

We on for movie night?

You're on Jiffy Pop detail

I rented The Princess Bride.

...Again? Don't you have it memorized by now?

What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending

Martha Dumptruck! Hahahaha!

If you wanna lose a few pounds, you need more protein in your diet

Kurt Kelly. Quarterback. He is the smartest guy on the football team. Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf

What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry, are you actually talking to me?

My buddy Kurt asked you a question

What gives you the right to pick on my friend? Look at you, you're a high school has-been waiting to happen. A future gas station attendant

You got a zit right there

Dear diary...

Why....

Why do they hate me?

Why don't I fight back?

Why do I act like such a creep?

Why…

Why won't he date me?

Why did I wear this?

Why do I cry myself to sleep?

Why…

Somebody hug me!

Somebody fix me!

Somebody save me!

Send me a sign, God!

Give me some hope, here!

Something to live for!

Ah... Heather, Heather, and Heather!

Then there's the Heathers. They float above it all

I love Heather, Heather, and Heather

(I hate Heather, Heather, and Heather)

Heather McNamara, head cheerleader. Her dad is loaded—he sells engagement rings

(I want Heather, Heather, and Heather)

Heather Duke, runs the yearbook. No discernible personality, but her mom did pay for implants

(I need Heather, Heather—)

And Heather Chandler, the Almighty

She is a mythic bitch

The Heathers are solid Teflon—never bothered, never harassed

I would give anything to be like that

Mmmm...

I'd like to be their boyfriend

That would be beautiful...

Mmmm...

If I sat at their table, guys would notice me

So beautiful...

Ooooh...

I'd like them to be nicer

That would be beautiful...

Ooooh...

I'd like to kidnap a Heather and photograph her naked in an abandoned warehouse and leave her tied up for the rats

Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87

Heather, I need a mint

What you need, Heather, is to see a doctor

Ah, Heather and Heather--

And Heather. Perhaps you didn't hear the bell over all the vomiting. You're late for class

Heather wasn't feeling well. We're helping her

Not without a hall pass you're not. A week's detention

What? No way, that's not fair!

But Ms. Fleming, I've got cheerleader practice!

My parents pay your salary!

Actually, Ms. Fleming, all four of us are out on a hall pass. Yearbook committee

I see you're all listed. Hurry up and get where you're going

This is an excellent forgery. Who are you?

Veronica... Sawyer. I crave a boon

What boon?

Let me sit at your table, at lunch. Just once. No talking necessary. If people think you guys tolerate me, they'll leave me alone

Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notes

How about prescriptions?

Shut up, Heather

Sorry, Heather

For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure

And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I'd have matching halves. That's very important

Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds

And you know, you know, you know?

This could be beautiful

Mascara, maybe some lip gloss

And we're on our way

Get this girl some blush

And Heather, I need your brush

Let's make her beautiful...

Let's make her beautiful...

Let's make her beautiful...

Make her beautiful...

Okay?

Okay!

Out of my way, geek!

I don't want trouble—

You're gonna die at 3pm!

Don't you dare touch me! Get away, pervert!

What did I ever do to them?

Who could survive this?

I can't escape this!

I think I'm dying!

Who's that with Heather?

Whoa!

Heather, Heather, Heather...

And someone!

Heather, Heather, Heather...

And a babe!

Heather, Heather, Heather...

Veronica?

Veronica? Veronica? Veronica!!

And you know, you know, you know... (Ooohhhh!)

Life can be beautiful (Aaahhh! Beautiful!)

You hope, you dream, you pray (Ooohhhh!)

And you get your way! (Aaahhh!)

Ask me how it feels (Beautiful!)

Lookin' like hell on wheels... (Ooohhhh!)

My God, it's beautiful! (Beautiful!)

I might be beautiful... (Beautiful!)

And when you're beautiful... (Aaahhh!)

It's a beautiful frickin' day! (Heather! Heather! Heather! Veronica!)

Yeah-eah-eah! (Heather! Heather! Heather! Veronica!)

Veronica! Veronica! Veronica!

Veronicaaaaa!