Natalie’s Rap 2.0 (feat. Natalie Portman)

We're here today with film star Natalie Portman

Now, Natalie, the last time you were here

I heard things got a little out of control

Yeah, well, I was going through a really weird time then

But I've matured a lot

Why don't you fill us in on what it's like to be you?

Okay, ya bitch

(I'm sorry, what?)

Yeah, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman

Fucked your husband and his best friend just for sport, man

Messed around and made the same song twice

Here's a Bush, now eat your Condoleezza Rice

You know it's clickbait, clickbait, clickbait

Put a dildo on a switchblade, switchblade, switchblade

Xannies dissolving in my Pinot

My man dance, but he's not a ballerino

Yeah, he twinkle his toes

But he give me good D though, wrap a good burrito

Tide Pods the only fucking thing I snack on

Black out and go motherfuckin' "Black Swan"

Ooh, these dudes slouching, fix your posture, boy

I'll come upside your head with my fucking Oscar, boy

My brain gone off that fuckin' Ayahuasca, boy

Tell your tourist parents I'ma turn you to a foster boy

Wow, I gotta say, it seems like you're almost exactly the same

But with current references

Untrue

I'm a mother now

It's really changed my perspective

And do you find it difficult juggling kids and a career?

You can juggle these nuts (What?)

I don't dance now, I make mommy moves

When I gave birth, I didn't even push

I was blazed out, smokin' bomb kush

And when my water broke, you know it drowned the doctor

They say I'm sex positive, hell yeah I'm positive

That you're goin' down while I'm bumpin' "My Prerogative"

(Tell me why)

Ha, I guess I'm showin' my age

Now bend over and spread 'em

'Cause you about to get fucked (Damn)

Fascinating stuff

Now I have to ask, Natalie

Have you seen the new "Star Wars" movies?

(No)

Oh, well, they're really good

They're much better than

(Better than what?)

Shit

Say somethin' 'bout the motherfuckin' prequels, bitch

(They were good)

Say somethin' fuckin' nice about Jar Jar Binks

(He's tall?)

Now kiss him right on his seventeen dicks

(What?)

While I sit dead on your face and take a shit

Oh Natalie (Yeah?)

Please come meet your baby

He cries himself to sleep every night

(That little shit ain't mine)

Oh Natalie (What?)

It's been twelve long years

(Shut the fuck up)

And I'm seven days sober, I swear on his life

(You're a mess, Carl)

Okay, well, that's all the time we have

Natalie, one last question

Do you think those "Time's Up" pins have had the impact that you were hoping for?

(Ah)

How's that for impact?

(Well, actually, oh no)

No more questions