Word Crimes

Everybody, shut up

Everyone, listen up (Hey, hey, hey)

(Hey, hey, hey)

(Hey, hey, hey)

Woo

Turn me up

If you can't write

In the proper way (Lousy writer)

If you don't know

How to conjugate (Hey)

Maybe you flunked that class (Hey, hey, hey)

And maybe now you find (Hey, hey, hey)

That people mock you online (Hey, hey, hey)

Everybody, wise up

Okay, now here's the deal

I'll try to educate ya

Gonna familiarize

You with the nomenclature

You'll learn the definitions (Hey, hey, hey)

Of nouns and prepositions (Hey, hey, hey)

Literacy's your mission (Hey, hey, hey)

And that's why I think

It's a good time

To learn some grammar (What?)

Now, did I stammer?

Work on that grammar

You should know when

It's less or it's fewer (Oh yeah)

Like people who were (Alright)

Never raised in a sewer

I hate these word crimes

Like "I could care less" (Hey, hey, hey)

That means you do care (Oh, whoa-oh)

At least a little

Don't be a moron (Hey)

You'd better slow down

And use the right pronoun (Hey, hey)

Show the world you're no clown (Everybody, wise up)

Say you got an I-T

Followed by apostrophe S

Now, what does that mean?

You would not use "its" in this case

As a possessive? (No, no, no)

It's a contraction (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

What's a contraction?

Well, it's the shortening of a word or group of words by omission of a sound or letter

Okay, now here's some notes

Syntax, you're always mangling

No "X" in espresso

Your participle's dangling (Uh-huh)

But I don't want your drama (Hey, hey, hey)

If you really wanna (Hey, hey, hey)

Leave out that Oxford comma (Hey, hey, hey)

Just keep in mind that "be", "see"

"Are", "you"

Are words, not letters (Woo)

Get it together (Hey)

Use a spell checker

You should never (Whoa, no)

Write words using numbers (Hey, hey)

Unless you're seven (Yeah, hey)

Or your name is Prince (Everybody, wise up)

I hate these word crimes (Them crimes)

You really need a (I hate them crimes)

Full-time proof-reader (I mean those crimes)

You dumb mouth-breather

Well, you should hire (Whoa, hire)

Some cunning linguist

To help you distinguish

What is proper English (Everybody, wise up)

One thing I ask of you

Time to learn your homophones is past due

Learn to diagram a sentence, too

Always say, "To whom", don't ever say, "To who"

And, listen up when I tell you this

I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis

You finished second grade, I hope you can tell

If you're doing good or doing well (Everybody, wise up)

Figure out the difference

Irony is not coincidence

And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull

About what's figurative and what's literal

Oh, but just now (Just now)

You said (You said)

You literally couldn't get out of bed (What?)

That makes me want to literally

Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head (Everybody, wise up)

I read your email (Yeah, yeah)

It's quite apparent (Hey)

Your grammar's errant

You're incoherent

Saw your blog post (Hey, hey)

It's really fantastic (Oh, it was)

That was sarcastic (Aww, sike)

'Cause you write like a spastic

I hate these word crimes (Everybody, wise up)

Your prose is dopey (Hey)

Think you should only (Whoa-oh)

Write in emoji

Oh, you're a lost cause (Hey, hey-hey)

Go back to preschool

Get out of the gene pool (Hey, hey, hey)

Try your best to not drool

Never mind, I give up

Woo!

Really now, I give up

(Hey, hey, hey)

(Hey, hey, hey)

(Go away)