Bad Traveler

I get to travel a lot doing this job, I'm still not very good at it

I'm bad at travel, you know what I do?

I buy my plane tickets when I'm drunk, bad move

I see all the options, you know?

And I'm like, "Ooh, the 6:30 AM flight is nine dollars cheaper

I'll hop on that, save nine bucks, hell yeah"

Then two months goes by and my alarm goes off at 3:30 AM

I'm like, "I would pay a million dollars to snooze right now

What the hell is wrong with you, two-month-ago-me?

What is wrong with you?

Were you drunk? 'Cause I'm drunk"

Maybe I'm too cheap, I'm the same way with avocados

I buy the not-ripe-yet avocados 'cause they're a dollar cheaper

I'm like, "I can wait three days, then I'll pounce on those avocados"

Then a month goes by, I got a bunch of brown-ass avocados

I'm like, "Oh, great, I guac blocked myself, goddamn it, damn it"

And I was at the airport and I saw something amazing

I'd never seen this before

An emotional support dog, a C&I dog, and a drug-sniffing dog, all meeting

I was fascinated, I was like, "What is the hierarchy like between these dogs?"

My theory is that the C&I dog looks down at the emotional support dog

Don't you think? I feel like the C&I dog must be like, "Now, what's your job exactly?"

The emotional support dog's just like, "Huh, huh"

"Turn that frown upside down, yeah, yeah, yeah"

"If I don't do my job, my owner's sad, yeah, yeah"

C&I dog's like, "Yeah, if I don't do my job, my owner's dead, alright"

"But good luck with all that anxiety on your flight to Tulsa, huh"

And then the drug-sniffing dog comes by and they're like both on CBD treats

They're like, "Get out of here, bark-nark, God"

"You're a goddamn snitch bitch, that's what you are, alright"

"Get out of here"

And I was at the airport because I was going on vacation with a group of white women

And I don't know if you've done this before

But white women plan a vacation sort of like generals planning an invasion

There's like satellite maps, group chats, shared calendars, they're printin' up uniforms

I'm like, "Are we stormin' Poland?"

They're like, "No, we got an Airbnb in Woodstock"

And my favorite part was the shared calendar

Everything for the week was in the shared calendar

It was like pottery-making class, renting a rowboat, apple-picking

I was like, "Pottery-making class, renting a rowboat, apple-picking"

And that's when it occurred to me the fantasy life for white women

Is to be an illegal immigrant

That is the dream vacation for white ladies

To make a pot, cross a river, and be a migrant laborer all on the same trip

Rosé all day, then we're digging a tunnel, bitches

Swallow this condom filled with fentanyl

I paid for the full mule

Love it, ladies, you're killing it, you're killing it