Price of Addiction

I've made up my mind, I'm done being sober

Eight months, it's officially over

I'm done with this boulder that's tied by my neck

They said I'd be happy if I finished my steps

But it ain't come yet, I'm on step six

Still sitting here, fiending for that fix

Them first thirty days, I was hungry and broken

The fire is out, now I'm distant and lonesome

Phone is a ghost, I ain't getting no calls

I'm positive, nobody's caring at all

So, today is the day that I'm catching the buzz

I've only been good at fucking things up

I'm stuck in a rut, I just got my kid back

I'm working a job, I've been making an impact

On all of the damage I did in the past

So, why am I stuck in this place that I'm at?

There's a rain cloud that always seems to follow me around

Got the devil on my shoulder, he been saying things aloud:

"Like, Matt, why you even sober anymore?

You' been crying out to God, but the prayer's been ignored

You're all by yourself, so, I've opened the door

Step right inside, I got what you've been looking for

Dude's got a pack that he only wants $20 for

Just send a text, what you got all that money for?

Spend it, blow it, burn it to the ground

You already know you gonna let your people down

Your kid would be so much better if you were not around

You deserve to be six feet under and dead inside the ground"

Point made, okay, hear you loud and clear, I'ma go cop today

I'ma send a text right now

I really gave my best, but I guess I'm all out

What are you doing? I'm getting high

Why would you do that? What if you die?

I'm still feeling sick, I guess its goodbye

It's not getting better and I really tried!

What about you're daughter? Aren't you her father?

She's better off without me, I 'ont know why I bother!

Look, shut up and listen, I'm done with your bitching

I'll give you some truth 'bout the price of addiction

Picture your family over your grave

And your mother in black with the tears on her face

Rewind it a couple of days when you're back on the block

And you're copping a bundle to taste

Crying and shaking and know that you're giving up everything

Just for a giant mistake

You pull in the alleyway, flick on the light

Get your spoon and the lighter and park with the brake

Picture the rush and the prick of the blood

The guilt that you feel with the fleeting euphoria

Blacking out dying, the flash of the EMT lights

Getting tagged on your feet by the coroner

Fast forward several weeks

Your family and friends can't believe it, it's heavy and bleak

Your daughter is coping with knowing

Her father is not coming back and she's desperate and weak

Your girlfriend is broken and hopeless

And searching for reasons for losing the man that she loved

She can't sleep at night

When she pictures the bag being zipped by a sterilized hand with a glove

You planned a vacation for later this year

But you took a trip that she didn't expect

And now her last memory of you is your skin turning blue

With a 30-gauge rig in your neck

And all of the people that you made amends with

Who finally started to give you respect

Are shaking their heads and they're saying you wasted your talent

And calling it gifted neglect

And let's not forget all the people you thought were your friends

You got high with and sheisty connect

Your homies all dying a week after copping the same dope

(Their life is a check)

He's cashing while laughing and smoking a blunt up in traffic

Or bagging up bundles to package

'Cause he doesn't care about your family or daughter

He's killing ten people monthly on average

Some will accuse you of being a liar, an addict, a criminal, savage or thief

But most will just see it as tragic

Your daughter and mom lost their son and their dad to the street

Your relapse is bigger than how you feel now

Bigger than all of your fear and your cravings

If you start slipping, you'll empty the souls of your family

You won't just empty your savings

Remember that even on bad days

Your life is a gift and sobriety saved you

And a relapse can take away everything good in your life

And the chance that it gave you