(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Front step, cha cha cha Back step, cha cha cha Side step, front step Back and turn Oh my God, Penny there's Link, Link I can't believe I'm really here auditioning I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition Front step, cha cha cha Back step, cha cha cha Side step, front step Back and tu- Oh Amber, look at this motley crew Oh, this town sure has gone downhill since I was crowned Miss- Oh Mother, not more ancient history Oh, my God How times have changed These girls must be blind or completely deranged But time seemed to halt When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs Amber! That move is far too dirty Mother, wake up from that dream of yours This isn't 1930 You can laugh, but life's a test Don't do this, don't do that! Remember, Mother knows best For the crown's in the vault From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs These steps are perfect ammunition Let me show you how your Mommy dear Took out the competition Girls, go get 'em! Boys, let's rumba One, two, three, four, five, six, seven Those poor runner-ups Might still hold some grudges They padded their cups But I screwed the judges Those broads thought they'd win If a plate they would spin In their dance Not a chance Boys, put me down Oh, good morning ladies Let's see what you've got Twist, twist, twist, twist Mashed potato, mambo Ready? Begin On my show you'll never find A thrusting hip or bumping grind What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks? You should have seen my bag of tricks! Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze While belting Aida And preparing soufflés! But that triple somersault Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs! Proceed Are you scared we're on live? No, I'm sure I can cope Well, this show isn't broadcast in Cinemascope! I never drank one chocolate malt No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs This one will never get a date In those hand-me-down clothes Ha! Kid, she'll never get a date 'Til daddy buys her a new nose I would say, "Oy, gevalt!" if I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs Do you dance like you dress? Amber, there's no need to be cruel Would you swim in an integrated pool? I sure would I'm all for integration It's the new frontier! Not in Baltimore it isn't And may I be frank? First impressions can be tough And when I saw you, I knew it If your size weren't enough Your last answer just blew it And so, my dear so short and stout You'll never be in So we're kicking you out! With your form and your face Oh, but it isn't your fault You're just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs You may go Um, thank you I think they secretly liked you May I please audition? Of course not But you may bow and exalt 'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs (Crabs, Crabs, Crabs)