Tell My Boss

When I die, somebody tell my boss I ain’t coming to work.

Let him piss and moan as all my loved ones lower me in dirt.

Give him 10 minutes to cover shifts. I’m in hell with a smirk.

Tell my boss that I ain’t coming back to work.

And when I die, somebody tell my landlord that I’ll miss the rent.

Give him 10 minutes to cry about how he can’t miss the check.

He says “pick yourself up by the bootstraps,” let him fucking vent.

Tell my landlord that I’m gonna miss the rent.

When I say that you can pry it from my cold dead hands,

I hope you know I mean you literally can.

You’ve gotta keep the planet turning. So just turn and burn the corpses.

When I’m dead, tell everyone

The show must certainly go on.

When I die, tell Jimmy that I won’t pay back his 20 bucks.

If he’s upset, invite him to the funeral to shake my box.

And if that isn’t satisfying, he can take my shoes and watch.

Tell him that I can’t pay back his 20 bucks.

And when I die, somebody tell my boss I ain’t coming to work.

I am physically unable. I am in a fucking hearse.

I bet he’ll argue that I’m unreliable, to make things worse.

Tell my boss that I ain’t coming back to work.

When I say don’t hold your breath, I really mean it.

No earthly concerns are big enough to raise the dead.

When I say I understand, I mean I want to.

All I know is nothing changes when I meet the end.

And when I say that you’ll move on before the body’s cold,

I hope you know, it’s only ‘cause you’re gonna have to.

You’re expected to keep on working, so just turn and burn the corpses.

When I’m dead, tell everyone

The show must certainly go on.

And when I die, somebody tell my boss I’m gonna call in sick.

And if you’re really so short staffed, feel free to try to bring me back,

But I’ll be getting the best night of sleep that anyone could have,

So tell my boss that there’s no way I’m coming back.