I Don't Know What Christmas Is (But Christmastime Is Here)

Out on the third planet closest to the sun

There's a special celebration and it sounds quite fun

A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone

On a holiday they call Christmas

Now, I'm not gonna lie, it makes no sense to me

But here's what Earthlings told me

About this Christmas mystery

One, two, three

Santa is a furry freak with epic superpowers

He flies to every human home in under fourteen hours

He's a master burglar, a pro at pickin' locks

If you don't leave milk and cookies out, he will put dung in your socks

If you act nicely through the night and don't jump on your bed

Santa comes with sugar plums and hurls them at your head

But if you're on his naughty list, he shoots missiles at your toes

He might just roast your chestnuts with his powerful flamethrower

Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein!

Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer!

I don't know what Christmas is

But Christmastime is here!

He's compelled his creepy elves to do his every wish

One sought to be a dentist, now, he's sleeping with the fish

Mrs. Claus, she works the pole, plans her man's demise

Soon, the elves will all rise up and stab out Santa's eyes!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Earthlings are so weird!

I don't know what Christmas is

But Christmastime is here!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Earthlings are so weird!

I don't know what Christmas is

But Christmastime is here!

What the heck's a turtle dove

And who lit up that deer?

I don't know what Christmas is

But Christmastime is here!

I don't know what Christmas is

But Christmastime is here!

Or maybe it's there

Or it's somewhere, I don't know, I don't know