Bringin’ Back Christmas

Look, real trees are trending downward

Your sales continue slipping

They destroyed your bottom lines with plastic pines and same-day shipping

Well, you've got the better product

But if you wanna win

You gotta study human nature

All those interested, lean in

People are one, lazy

We only care about ourselves

Your competition knows this, so their crap flies off the shelves

But we're also two, desperate

To feel good, smart, and right

And that's what you have to harness

If you wanna win this fight

See, what you're really selling is the way things oughta be

So your pitch becomes compelling selling more than just a tree

It's a symbol of your values, it's your ethics and your cause

You can either be fake like the trees they make or take a stand for Santa Claus

We're bringin' back Christmas, we're bringin' back cheer

We're bringin' back cozy nights, those twinkly lights, the glow of yesteryear

Now, it's some slight manipulation, but it's what we've gotta do

See, we need some confrontation or your message won't get through

We're bringin' back decency

We're bringin' back Christmas

And that means the piney scent of a real authentic tree

Oh, it would be, sure, simple to boost your market share

We'd rebrand you as "nostalgic", tell your customers you "care"

But the world is what? Tribal, so if you want your sales to soar (What? Oh)

It's not enough for folks to love you, they gotta hate your rivals more

As an expert, my advice is feed that hate 'cause hate is strong (Ooh)

Folks'll gladly pay your prices to prove those Christmas-killers wrong (Ah)

We're bringin' back Christmas and all the joy that we've lost (We're bringin' it back)

Gimme some peace on Earth, a virgin birth and Grandpa gettin' sauced (Ah)

Every Facebook-lovin' boomer wants to fight a culture war (A culture war, it's war)

So tell your core consumer what the hell they're fightin' for

A fight for morality (A fight for morality)

We're bringin' back Christmas

And it's not comin' back with some manufactured tree

I'm talking a living tree in your living room

As I reach up to place the angel on top

I look out my window and I see my neighbor, Doug

'Cross the street, snapping together his artificial tree

Easy peasy

Poor, lazy, deplorable Doug

Who cares more about convenience than the happiness and respect

Of his town, of his country, of our sacred holiday

I'm talkin' nativities and sweet baby Jeez

Fat honey hams, Mariah Carey jams

"Feliz Navidad" and the birth of our God (Gathered 'round with our families)

We're bringin' back Christmas (We're bringin' back Christmas)

Plus a ton of cash

From some good old-fashioned trees (Oh, the cozy glow of yesteryear, all the twinkly lights and all the cheer)

We're bringin' back Christmas (We're bringin' back Christmas, ah)