If I Was a Priest

We're going to church a lot now because my daughter is five, my wife thinks it's important. Four o'clock mass every Saturday, that's when we go to church. We're going to take the funnest day of the week and slice that shit right in half. Even in the summer, come on have you ever been in church and you can smell barbecues. What? You're in church. Shit.

We've been at the Lake and me and my daughter in the lake and my wife will yell, "Guys, come on. We got to go to church." I'm running out of water going, "Don't yell that shit out loud. You know how weird you sound? Even if Jesus was in the water he'd be like, 'Fuck it, we're not doing it today. I got a hot date with Marco Polo going on right here.'"

The first time we brought my daughter to church, I don't shave that often, and we walk in and there's a statue of Jesus with the beard and she looks up at the statue and she yells out, "Daddy." I Looked at my wife, I go, "The kid thinks I'm Jesus. My work is done."

Do these priests not know we can't wait to get out of there? Like do they not know? Have we been so polite that nobody has ever told them? Because they show no sign of realizing we can't wait to get the fuck out of there. It's amazing. It blows my mind. I mean like, you know, has anyone ever been to church where the priest goes, "Church has ended," and seen someone go, "Come on, no, five more, five more." We just want the bread and they just want the money. That's it.

I need the Body of Christ. Especially if you have a big week. It's like a rabbit's foot. It's good luck. I need the bread. I got a lot going on this week. I need the bread. That's the thing. When you go to church, at least at my church and you go to get the Body of Christ, the bread, there's two lines. One is the priest and another line is some guy in a Men's Warehouse suit, and it's just some dude in a cheap suit and he's doling out the bread too. I always tell my wife, "Don't get the bread from the guy in the suit. It's not as powerful." What does he even do? But who is that guy, right? I mean, come on, that'd be like if you're at a Benihana and you got the Asian guy slicing up your food. Then he walks away and another guy walks up, "Hi, I'm Keith. I'm going to be finishing up here." "Right, no, Keith, I need the guy with the pants. The whole thing, Keith. It's the whole thing.

The guy in the cheap suit's usually the guy later on gets the money. Churches do it two different ways. Some churches do a basket hand from person to person. That's a little more civil. My church does stick on the end of the basket. So, the guy does the lunge. And if you don't put in, he eyeballs you for two more lunges. But just ... "I'll be back for you. I come back two more times.

These priests don't they know we would go to church more often if they would shorten it, man? I cursed in church last Christmas Eve. I literally cursed. I walked in. There was a full choir that's not normally there. I see the whole choir and I go, "Oh shit." My wife goes, "Why, you don't like the music?" I go, "No. I like the music if it's going to take away from the priest talk time." But if the music is going to be tacked on to the entire mass, then shut the music down, man. Shut it down." Why do you need it now?

If I was a priest, I would do that as a little gift to my parishioners. Every once in a while, I would have a really short mass and you'd never know when it was coming. That's what would make it so exciting, man. You'd just be driving to church. "I hope it's one of the short ones, yeah." I'm talking super short, man. I'm talking five minutes before church starts. I'm looking at the alter boy and the organ guy, I'm like, "Start up the organ. Get the bread ready. As soon they I come in, we're going right into the bread." Can imagine, as soon as you walk in, the priest is like, "This is the Body of Christ." Everyone's like, "Holy shit. Keep your coats on. I'm going to be out of here in five minutes."