I was at a coffee shop today, one-person bathroom. That's what we got going now. Everyone was complaining about men's and women's identifying, now we just have one-person bathrooms, and we all just got to wait. When someone's in the bathroom and you're waiting how long are you expected to wait before you can knock and say, "Are you dead in there?" Without being the asshole for doing that. I gave a little knock once, going, "You all right in there?" And the guy goes, whoever's in there, "Why don't you give him a minute?" I'm like, "Hey, I gave him 27 minutes, man. I could have watched a sitcom. What are they doing, transcribing the Quran in there? What the fuck?"
This is my move now, whenever I get up to a bathroom, even though I know it's already occupied. I do a hard jiggle on the handle. And they inevitably always go, "Someone's in here." And then I go, "Oh, I'm sorry." But in my head I'm thinking, "And now you know somebody's out here." Let's put this into overdrive, all right? And if they still take too long, my next move is I jiggle it again but I pretend I'm somebody else. In my original character I say to the second jiggler, I go, "No, I'm actually next. There's a line." Ah. Now they're in there going, "Oh shit. Now there's two people out there?" I'm telling you, by the time I'm done they think there's a town hall meeting going on on the other side.
