Passed a Cop

I've got a lot of 65 where I live in New York, right, at the thruway. I passed a cop recently. Let me explain the situation. The cop was doing 65 in a 65. You ever have that? Then we all line up behind them. "All right, here we go. What am I, a parade float? What are we doing right now?" And even giving them that smile through the windshield. "Hey, I always do 65," but in my head I'm like, "Guy, as soon as you get off, I got to do 85 to make up for the 75 I would normally be doing right now."

Even my GPS was going off. It was like, "Is there a cop in front of us? What the fuck are we doing?" And the cop wasn't getting off. We kept passing every exit. I'm looking at my wife like, "What is he on a road trip with the cop car? He's out of his jurisdiction. Is he stealing it?" I'm like, "I got to pass. I got to do to pass."

That's what I do. Whenever I'm going to break the law in my vehicle, I announce it to everybody else in the vehicle. Like, if I'm going to make an illegal U-turn, I'm like, "I'm banging a u-ie. Everybody get ready, I'm banging a u-ie. Get ready, get ready." I don't even know what that means for everybody else. Duck? I'm not sure. I'm just letting you know I'm about the do a violation. Whatever you got to do to be comfortable with that. Get comfortable.

I mean, I say it so clearly that if a cop pulled me over and I tried to talk my way out of it, if I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I couldn't make that turn." But the cop would look at me and go, "Guy, I read your lips through the windshield saying you're going to bang a u-ie."

That's what I did though. I slowly passed the cop. I'm doing 70 he's doing 65. You ever do that slow five mile an hour pass? Oh, God, your heart is pounding the entire time. It's like walking past a pit bull in your flip-flops. You're like, "Ho, ho, okay."

I'm just giving the cop the look through the window the whole time, like, "Are you cool with this? Give me a nod. Give me a smile. Let me know you're cool with this." Right? I mean, you can't let me slowly pass you and then you light me up. That's a weak move, right? You got to at least give me that two finger wave. Like, "Hey, take it back, G. Take it back hero." I'm like, "I apologize. I didn't realize the parade wasn't over yet."

That's what I did though. I just slowly passed him. And then you got to get back in front of him. You're like, "Oh, god, I'm getting back inaudible 00:02:54. The balls." And you just slowly drive off you know all the other cars are whispering, "This guy's out of his fucking mind."

School speed limits have gotten the most intense. Anyone my age and older, and there's quite a few of you out there ... No, I'm saying though, all of us adults and beyond, come on. Right? Remember when we were all growing up, people were passing our schools at like 45 miles an hour. If they did 50 and a teacher happened to be outside smoking a cigarette, the teacher might go, "Whoa, there's kids."

Come on, you pass a school now, we got the speed-bumps, the flashing lights, SWAT teams hiding in the bushes. My daughter's in kindergarten. At one point the speed limit in front of her school goes down to five. Five! Okay. If you don't step on the gas pedal, the car does seven. I can't even make it do five. I can do spurts of seven. Seven, stop. Seven, stop. Seven, stop. Or I could just open up the door and put it in neutral and roll the God damn thing through like the Flintstones.

That's why I think the school speed limit passing every school should be directly correlated to how well the children are performing at that school. Right? Come on. Motivation for the kids. And it helps with house hunting. When you have to know in a hurry, "Is it a good school district?" Like, "Well, they are doing 85 past the high school."