How Allergic is Allergic

I had a flight once, 5:30 in the morning. The flight attendant comes on and tells us there's a child on board allergic to peanuts and they're not going to be serving peanuts. Now listen, I have a child too. I understand. I'm not getting into all that. I'm just saying and the minute you hear that someone, a child is allergic to peanuts, it's just human nature, it's like murder on the Orient Express, you're just looking around trying to see if he can figure out which kid it is that can't eat the peanuts. It's probably the redhead. It's got to be redhead.

Then the pilot comes on 10 minutes later. He thanks us again for not eating the peanuts. I mean it's 5:30 in the morning, who's eating peanuts? If the pilot came on and said there was a child on board allergic to coffee, he'd of been dead by 5:45.

I've got to say with the allergic to peanuts, man. I mean how allergic is allergic? You got to ask yourself, right? Like if I opened up a little bag of peanuts all the way in the front of the plane, like if that kid was all the way in the back, right? If I'm just like, I just give a little tear, just a little tear, a little. Like all of the sudden are you going to hear in the plane just a little? I'd be like, holy shit. I doubt it, right? I feel like I could eat the whole bag peanuts and go up to the mother at the baggage carousel, and just be like, "Just wanting to know lady your kid's full of shit."

I don't want to sound ignorant and I know this is ignorant, but when you are not allergic to the thing, it's hard to wrap your head around it, right? Like if I get stung by a bee, nothing happens to me. If I'm with somebody and they get stung by a bee and their head swells up, I feel like they're being lazy, right? I feel like I could bee-swell that, bee-swell that. It's embarrassing. What are you doing?

Asparagus, a perfect example, right? A lot of people eat asparagus. Later on your pee that night and it smells like asparagus. That never happened to me. I thought it was witchcraft. Then in my late 30s, I must've had a chemical change in my body. I had a little asparagus one night. Later that night, I'm at a bar. I'm in the bathroom peeing next to a friend and my friends like, "Is that asparagus I'm smelling right now?" I was so excited. I'm like, "Yes," don't lie. Not even a hint, man. It smelled like I was boiling asparagus for 20 men. Holy shit. No other food do you eat and then piss and it smells like. I'm never going to be in the bathroom with your buddy going, "What is that, the shrimp scampi I'm smelling right now? Is that what you had? What did I?"