Packing Thunder

It's just, sex is uh, sex is something

I guess I've always wished as a comedian I could talk more about sex and shit

But I don't know shit

I was a virgin till I was 21, Thank you

You would think laughter would hurt the most

The dead fucking silence that there's

The collective hush of like

That just sounded true, didn't it?

I mean, either that or yeah, it's just like, yeah, yeah, that figures

I just, yeah, I realized a long time ago sex is just not my major selling point

You know, like I had a girlfriend in college, we broke up

It was an ugly breakup, you know, where like cars get scratched and shit

Her car got scratched, I'd done fucking bad

It was like hard, couple weeks go by

One of her friends comes up to me

She's like, oh, she's talking shit on you

She's telling everybody, you got a little dick

And I'm ready to get mad

I'm like, was anybody surprised?

I mean, like, who was looking at me before that going, I bet he's packing fucking thunder?

I mean, women don't look at me like that

Like, oh, I bet he'll tear it up

No, they look at me like, oh, I bet he'll hold my purse

And I will, I'm just happy to be here, really

Yeah, it's just, I got over that shit a long time ago, the penis size thing, I mean, 'cause I had to

Like, I had a friend when I was younger

He's like, dude, you should shave your pubes, It'll make your dick look bigger

I'm like, how long are your fucking pubes?

I mean, like, if they're that long, your dick's not the only thing hiding in there

You're gonna, you gonna find other shit

Like, hey, there's a gummy bear, there's a gummy bear, It was pineapple

But yeah, I just uh, sex is, I've realized, I guess I've

You know, I've realized over the years

As far as like, yeah, I've realized over the years, as far as like straight dudes go, I'm pretty sucking

I'm pretty timid

Like it's, I mean, It was always amazing to me when I was still dating

Like to find out what some women's interpretation of what all men are like

I'm like, who the fuck are you dating?

"All of you men are the same

All of you, all of you cheat

All of you like anal

All of you want to choke me during sex"

I'm like, "I think you were just raped"

I don't think that was

Did any of this happen in the woods by chance?

That's fucking terrible, who did that shit?

'cause I'm just not like, I like, I don't

It's always, I've always wondered how people evolved to that point

Like Maybe it's because I haven't had enough sex to get to the point where

Sex itself just isn't thrilling enough anymore

You know like, like, this just doesn't do, I don't know, fucking pee on me, just, I'll try it, I'll try it

Like, do some people try that and go, "yeah, don't fucking do that again that, that wasn't mine"

But they, I just never understood how people, like I had a roommate

I had a roommate when I first moved to L.A

We like had, we had like a three-bedroom apartment

One of my roommates had a girl over one night

It's like two o'clock in the morning, he comes knocking on my door all out of breath

He's like, "dude, she's a freak"

I'm like, "well, tell her I said hi

I mean, why are you here right now?"

He's like, "nah, she's cool"

He's like uh, "would you care to join us?"

I'm like, "did you just try to make that sound fucking polite?

I mean, like there's candlelight and a place setting over there for me and

I'm gonna go put a napkin on my lap and double team your girl

Oh no, that's fucking creepy"

I still think that happened 12 years ago

Like I still think about like that would never, that would never cross my mind

There's never been a time I'm having sex that I'm like, "there's just not enough fucking dudes here

I don't feel right, I just, I see one dick and it's mine and I don't like it

I, uh, you wait here, I'm gonna go make some calls

'Cause this is, I need backup"

It's fucking weird like, I just never have gotten into weird shit like that

Like, I just, I don't understand how people do

Like, it's, uh, you know, I've always been pretty, pretty timid

I always feel like, you know, like, you just, you know, like

You try to get too into, you know, guys like slap asses

I'm like, sorry

You know, I'm just, I just feel bad, you know, pulling out

I'm like, I made a big mess back here, I'm sorry about that

But yeah, I feel weird about getting to, you know, like stuff like strip clubs

Like, you know, when I was a kid, you know, like when I was a teenager

I can't wait to go to a titty bar

Then you go to one that's like, oh, I'm sad, you know

And can they buy a new fucking CD? I mean, Jesus

Sounds like a fucking skating rink in here

I mean, but it's weird like, I can't get into it

Like, but some guy like I'd never had a lap dance till I was 30

Like, like I didn't care, like, it was just we were on tour

And we, after the show, like we were we'd end up in a strip club

And we uh, my uh, one of the other guys on tour

He's "like you've never had a lap dance

I'm getting you a lap tonight

You are getting a lap

I'm getting" like it was a fucking polio vaccine or some shit

Like I, like I had to have this to live

And it's just weird, like, I don't think of it as like an erotic experience

Like, I'm just like, "here's a stranger with a butt on my jeans right now"

I'm like, "I need a lot of fucking Febreze when I leave here, I just uh"