Married ... With Canines

But we, I travel a lot, I gotta, you know

I wish I could be home more, you know

I just, I got married last May

Yeah, got married last May

Yeah, yeah, yeah, women, it's always women who clap for that shit

Dudes are never real supportive, like, you know

It's always like at least a few dudes groaning

Like, "Ah, you should've fuckin' talked to me", like, I mean

I mean, I'm good with, like, I don't

I can see for some guys it's different, you know

For some guys it's, you know

I had one friend who's like, you know, "Oh, have fun having"

"Sex with the same woman every night for the rest of your life"

I'm like "Whoa, that would improve my numbers"

So, I mean, thank you

I can see how for some guys it's a sacrifice with, you know

Your lifestyle, your sex life, for me, not so much

You know, it's not like there was this line of pussy outside my door

And I'm like, "Oh, you're all gonna have to go home now"

"I'm sorry, the position's been filled"

Yeah, we got married last May

We don't, you know, have kids or anything

You know, we have kids, we have dogs

Which, we'd

You'd have to cheer that shit, I mean, you know, it's, we have dogs

We had to merge dogs when she moved in

Which I think it'd be easier with kids

Because at least with kids, you can tell kids

"Hey kids, you're going to notice other fucking kids"

I felt bad for my dog because, you know, at first he's like

"Hey, we got company", and then like three weeks later he's like

"So they're just not fucking leaving, are they?" I mean

"Were you ever going to explain this shit for me?" I mean

But it's, yeah, we have very different dogs, you know

Like I had my dog, I have a basset hound

Which, yeah, I got him from a breeder

I know they say you're supposed to rescue dogs from the pound

But I guess I have a hang-up about

Getting a dog straight out of fucking prison

What if he has issues from that, you know?

He wakes up at night screaming and starts braiding my hair and shit

I wanted to know what I was getting, you know?

Basset Hound's a perfect breed for me

He likes to go for walks, just not like uphill

He's like, I'm not trying to get exercise here

I'm just trying to go sniff some shit and come back home, alright?

But when I got him from the breeder

She's like, "He's a basset hound, so he's gonna be hard to housebrea"

By that, I guess she meant

"He's gonna pee in the house 'til he dies"

'Cause I mean, it's not like he's a puppy

He's seven, he's just a dick about it

Hey, you know what?

'Cause you know how most dogs

If they do something bad, they'll go run and hide?

Barney doesn't give a shit, like, I'll be on my knees cleaning up pee

He just comes over and licks my face, that's

It's fuckin' ballsy, you know, when you think about it

It's your crime scene, Barney

I mean, you just walk up to the cops

"Hey, hey, what's going on here, officer?"

"I don't know who started that fire"

"But I could sure use a treat", sayin' all that

It's, I'm a dog person, I like to

I couldn't, that's one thing, yeah

It's like I couldn't be with somebody who doesn't like dogs

Like I don't mind cats so much as cat people

And nod if you have a cat

It's those multi-cat fuckers

Like some lady came up to me in Tennessee

She's like, "I'll have you know, I have eight cats"

I'm like, "I'll have you know people can tell"

And I don't want to say it

Sam, when you walked up, I'm like

"I bet that bitch has about eight cats", and I was right about that

But yeah, I just couldn't be here saying I don't like that

Like I went out with this girl just a few years ago

I didn't know she didn't like dogs 'til she came over, she's horrified

"Ew! You let your dog lick your face?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I know 'em."

It's not gonna go any further than this, I mean, it just

But he licks his butt, not recently

It's kind of like the five-second rule

You know, like I don't let him go

Straight from his mudhole to my face, I mean

I don't catch him licking his butt and go

"Oh hey, when you're done there, hook me up, come on"

I'll meet you on the couch

I let some time go by

Let his tongue cool off, you know, I just

But yeah, she, uh, when she moved in she brought

Uh, she brought her dog

She brought her, uh, puggle

If you're not familiar with what a puggle is

They take a pug and a beagle

And apparently they mix the worst parts of both of those dogs

So now I got this nervous, loud, stinky thing that sleeps

In my fuckin' armpit every night

I'm not used to having such a high-strung dog

This dog, he's twenty pounds, he'll fuck you up

Like, he's just looking for a fight all the time for no reason

It's like, "I dare you to take my bone"

I'm like, "I don't want your bone, I gave you the fuckin' bone"

"Remember? I bought it"

Like, I'm not used to having a dog with that much energy

I mean, basset hounds don't do shit

Barney's like a rug with feet, like he doesn't do it

But this dog, the puggle, the puggle was her dog before I met her

So he's real like, he's like weirdly possessive

Like he's on 24-hour cock block duty, you know

We'll be in bed, he's like

"Oh, I noticed you're trying to have sex with my mom"

"So I'm gonna sit on her chest like a fucking gargoyle all night"

It was weird at first, but I called his bluff

I'm like, "I'll look right at you, bitch, I don't give a scare"

Your mammy feels real good, huh?

I'm gonna chew your bone too