Jail, Pt. 1 (Bonus Track)

On stage rapping, ain't shit to me, I'm a rapper, that's what I do

Ugh, hey

Young Dave snappin', the crowd seem to fuck with me and I like 'em, too

Woo

Ordinarily, I might joke around on the stage

Ya

Funny motherfucker, class clown, 12th grade

Sometimes I might overstep my boundaries

Hmm

Do some weird shit, believe in the art of the joke

Ya

In this case, I was like, "Aye, y'all a great crowd, so as a reward, do you wanna see my dick?"

Crowd went wild, now I'm kinda torn

Mid-show soft dick is my worst soft dick, I'm a moron

Ya

"Show your dick, show your dick"

Whole crowd chants, I'm like, "I can't, but what about nuts?"

Shit, ya

People erupt, whipped out the nuts, cheers

Off stage, head up to the dressing room

Five cops waiting in my dressing room

Goddamn, D, you blowing up

Look at how they beefing up your security

Aye

I was like, "Officers, I'll be okay"

Ya

One cop said, "Sir, you're under arrest"

Ha

I laughed in jest, assumed he was just showing off for his cop friends

Opened some Chex Mix

"Sir, I'm gonna need you to put on these cuffs"

I'm like, "What?"

"Sir, you just exposed yourself at an all-ages show nonetheless"

"Wait, you talking 'bout showing nuts?"

"Sir"

"That's like a common joke, you never pull out a ball with your friends or—"

"Sir"

"Never?"

"Sir, please put on these cuffs"

"Wait, stop, no, this is actually happening? Your-"

"Sir"

"Wait, this is unfair, "I'm sorry, I swear!"

"Sir, sir"

"Please hear me out, I-"

"Sir, you're going to jail"

I'm like, "Jail?"

He like, "Yeah"

I'm like, "Jail?"

Yeah

Booked, bail

Pay it, scared

This is crazy

Months pass, trial

Real trial

Forty five parents press charges

Oh

I got a DUI in college

Stupid

This was not my first offense

Oh, my God

Children were crying on the stand

Stand

Probably the dorks of their class

You're a loser

Now it's the day of my reckoning

They 'bout to give me my sentencing

Can't even breathe and I'm trembling

The jury arrived at a verdict

Guilty

I thought I misheard it

Guilty

Mama Burd going berserk

My son

Wait, you said two years, Your Honor?

Yes

On the bus to Tuckawala

They got me chained to Roberto

Tat on his face he was fidgety

Shook as can be as we pullin' in

Hmm

They take my picture, unchain me, they give me my state I.D.

Thanks

Then they took me to a room and told me to, "Spread your cheeks"

Ugh

I was like, "Like this?"

Like this?

They like, "Yeah, but rake your nuts"

Rake—, rake my nuts? Like, pull 'em up?

Yes

Oh, okay

They made me squat and cough

Ah, ah

Standard procedure, I'm wit' it

It's cool

After I finished, I had a minute with the guard

Say to him, "Sir, I know this is bizarre, but the whole rape thing, is it, like, real? Is it actually a thing in Jail? Or?"

He like, "Yeah"

I'm like, "Yeah?

It really happens?

He like, "Yeah"

Isn't it your job to protect people?

Getting walked to my cell

We got a white boy

Walking through jail

Woo, woo, woo, woo, yeah

Shit is like hell

You dead, you dead

It's just like the movies

Gettin' fucked

Screaming and hollering, hooting

Fresh meat

A black guy said, "I'll break your back"

Blow your back out

Hispanic guy ask, "What that mouth like?"

I'ma need that

A Neo-Nazi just smiles

Hmm

We get to my cell

Got a cellmate named Raheem

Hi, I'm Dave

Good dude, wonder why he in

I'm Raheem

Then he asked me what I even did

What'd you do?

I explained the whole thing, was performing

Yeah, yeah

Showed my nuts, totally innocent, like

Huh?

Well, I did it, but it was an innocent act, it's not a big deal

Now I'm here in Tuckawala for two years for exposing myself to minors

"Whoa, whoa, you a pedophile?", Raheem said

No, I'm not a pedophile, you just heard the story

Okay, okay, okay, you cannot let anyone know this

Why? It's not a big—

If they find out, then it's over

Over?

You raped, dead, maybe

Raped dead?

Let's just think of solutions instead

Raped dead?

In here there's the Blacks and the Mexicans

Well, what about those white supremacists?

Huh

They see that you're Jewish, it's evident

It's evident? What does—

The Blacks and the Mexicans don't have inherent hatred for you

True

You gotta pick one of them for protection

Who?

The Blacks or the Mexicans?

Yes

Uh, I mean, I guess I'll go Blacks, right? Blacks

Okay

I just don't know much about Mexicans

I hear you

Like, at home I would hang out with Blacks

Go with blacks then

Well, how do they know I'm with Blacks?

Like, how do I refer to it? Do I say "Blacks"?

You won't have to s—

I feel like it'd be weird if I said, "I'm with the blacks"

It's not like that

How is it referred to?

Don't worry, I'll make sure that everyone knows you're with us

Three o'clock rec ball

Pretty solid courts, real good runs

Watched on the sidelines, didn't try to run

Calling for next would be calling for death

Real good black dude roll his ankle

Ugh

Mexican guy on the side says, "Ay, carumbo"

Now there's a squad, thats only got four players

And in jail the other team picks his replacement

They look around and my heart started racing

One guy is beelining straight up at David

'Cause they probably think I'm a horrible player

They like, "Alright, take this white, skinny bitch~"

Little did they know I'm a bad motherfucker on the court

First play hit 'em with a cross up-fake

Next play, wide open three, like, wet, the yard taking notice

Yo

I take a charge, but they don't even notice

Bro

Don't leave him open, his jumper is potent

Ha

Pat on the back, feel like a black

Dap, dap, dap

All the sudden, a Mexican guy walks on the court and says

"Stop the game, stop the game, stop the game"

Gets in my face

Says, "You know what he did?"

Everyone's frozen in place

You know what he did?

What'd he do? What'd he do?

He raped some kids

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, not true" I said

He said, "One was my niece"

Hold on, I can explain, I'm a rapper, I was on stage

You ain't no motherfuckin' rapper

Yes, I am

We gon' rape you

No, I am a rapper, I'll spit

You want me to spit? I'll fucking spit, I'll—

You 'bout to get fucked, pendejo

Listen, my dick sucks, my dick sucks, uh, that's just a hook

Remember the name, Don Quixote, that's the guy that'll fuck you later, okay, chismoso?

Then he walked away

I tried to play it cool, I'm like, "Back to the game"

Punched in my back, thrown off the court

Ah

I'm like, "I'm with the Blacks"

That made it worse

Smack, smack, smack

I'm like, "I didn't rape no kids, I just showed my sack

You never did that, like, with your friends?"

Aye, fuck, naw, pussy

It was just a joke, I believe in the art of the joke

That don't sound very funny

Yeah, but you should've seen it, it worked, they laughed, the joke was successful

They whipped my ass

Bap, bap

Now I'm not with the Blacks

You ain't black

Lick my wounds in my cell

Tell Raheem all the facts

This guy walked on the court—

He like, Oh, no, Don Quixote?"

Yeah

That's the most dangerous Mexican

Really?

And now all the Blacks not protecting you

Yeah, no shit, and by the way, they didn't take kindly to me saying I was with the Blacks

Well, now, whew, now everyone's got the green light

Green light?

I wish I could make it be right

Raheem

You're definitely gonna get raped

Raped dead?

If I were you, I'd learn to fight

I-I can't fight, I'd lose every fight

Instead of fighting back, what if I offer, like, willing head?

Willing head?

I'm like, "Yeah"

Willing head?

Yeah

Think about it

Nobody wants a fight

That's not true

I would much rather give consensual head, than get fucked up my ass and die

Well, it's not gon' be an option like that

No, no, hear me out

What if one day up in the caf', I stuck a paper on the wall?

A paper?

Yeah, a sign-up sheet

A sign-up sheet?

Yeah, with time slots

What? Time slots?

Yeah, for head

You know, if you, if you don't rape me, I'll give you the best head you'll ever get in jail

And I'll be such a joy, so pleasant, what a great companion I could be

I don't think—

This is so smart, yeah

Uh

Then word would get around about the head and everybody

Would start to realize, the second I'm raped, that the head off the table

Better than anal, the brothers would kill for this shit, Cain and Abel

You're not gon' have the option like that, cuh

It's, it's cool when you say "Cuh", like cuz, but you, "Cuh"

Where you from, Raheem?

Man, I gotta nap

Oh, when you wake, then

Caf', tuna fish

Ugh

Actually surprised 'cause this shit fire

Hmm

Usually I'm real picky with my tuna type

Only like my mom's and Subway's

Did you guys know that Subway's the biggest chain in the world, over McDonalds?

No one responded

Tap Raheem's shoulder, I said

"Did you know that, Raheem?" Uh

He like, "What?"

That Subway's the biggest chain? Bigger than McDonald's

No

Walking back to me cell

Aye

Just me and the guard, I feel greasy

Yeah

All the sudden he bail

What the fuck?

Then as I turned the corner, I saw Don Quixote

Fuck

Fuck, this is it, oh, my God, Dave, you're so raped

Fuck

Thought of my options, he started approaching

Oh

I'm like, "Quixote, relax, I'm open to it"

Come here

Kissed on his neck

Licked on his ears

Took off his shirt

Kissed on his stomach, his chest is so bulbous

But I'm playing my part, he fallin' hard, I got his heart

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I get down to my knees, aye, tease, aye

Whipped out the dick

Oh, my God, so big, ah

Veins, everywhere, so many veins

Off-colored dick, darker than I expected

I realized in that moment, I've never seen a Mexicano's dick before

Spit on the dick

His guard fallen

Cocked his head back real slow, and then said, "Ay, carumbo"

Plan coming to fruition, I open wide, put the tip in

And I close my eyes, and pray to God and

Then I bit off his dick

Ay, carumbo

Spit out his dick

Ugh

He fell to his knees

Blood, everywhere

Don Quixote is dead