Sheriff Fatman

Sheriff Fatman started out in business as a granny farmer

He was infamous for fifteen minutes

And he appeared on Panorama

Then he somehow got himself on board

The starship enterprise allowance scheme

With a Prince of Wales award

For pushing Valium and amphetamines

Moving up on second base

Behind Nicholas Van What's-his-face

At six-foot-six and a hundred tons

The undisputed king of the slums

With more aliases than Klaus Barbie

The master butcher of Leigh-on-Sea

Just about to take the stage

The one and only, hold the front page

Fatman's got something to sell to the capital's homeless

At the Crossroads Motel for the no-fixed-abodeless

Where you can live life in style, you can sleep in a closet

And if you flash him a smile, he'll take your teeth as deposit

There's bats in the belfry, the windows are jammed

The toilets ain't healthy, he don't give a damn

He just chuckles and smiles and laughs like a madman

A born again Rachman, here comes Sheriff Fatman

With his Valium, amphetamines

His sick notes and his phony prescriptions

And just when you thought it was safe

To go back into the kitchen, dead legs and cracked heads

Bunk-beds and breakfasts

Wake up, you sleepy head-cases (Check this)

Moving up on second base

Behind Nicholas Van What's-his-face

At six-foot-six and a hundred tons

The undisputed king of the slums

With more aliases than Klaus Barbie

The master butcher of Leigh-on-Sea

Just about to take the stage

The one and only, hold the front page

Moving up now to take the place

Of Nicholas Van What's-his-face

At six-foot-six and a hundred tons

The undisputed king of the slums

With more aliases than Klaus Barbie

The master butcher of Leigh-on-Sea

In a hatchback from Notre Dame

The one and only Sheriff Fatman

In goes another left hook, and now I'm losing my patience

Someone call up Roger Cook and The United Nations

He's buying up houses for the has-beens and healthy

From Lands End to Southend and Chelsea

There's bats in the belfry, the windows are jammed

The toilets ain't healthy, he don't give a damn

He just chuckles and smiles and laughs like a madman

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Sheriff Fatman