Rosetta Stoned

Alrighty then, picture this if you will:

Ten to 2 a.m., X, Yogi DMT, and a box of Krispy Kremes in my need-to-know pose just outside Area 51

Contemplating the whole "chosen people" thing but just then a flaming stealth banana split the sky like one would hope but never really expect to see in a place like this

Cutting right angle donuts on a dime and stopping right at my Birkenstocks, and me yelping:

Holy fucking shit

Holy fucking shit

Holy fucking shit

Holy fucking shit

Holy fucking shit

Holy fucking shit

Holy fucking shit

Holy fucking shit

Then the X-File being, looking like some kind of blue-green Jackie Chan with Isabella Rossellini lips with breath that reeked of vanilla Chig Champa did a slow-mo Matrix descent outta the butt of the banana vessel and hovered above my bug eyes

My gaping jaw, and my sweaty L. Ron Hubbard upper lip and all I could think was: "I hope Uncle Martin here doesn't notice that I pissed my fucking pants"

So light in his way, like an apparition he had me crying out:

"Fuck me, it's gotta be the Deadhead chemistry"

"The blotter got right on top of me"

"Got me seeing E mother-fucking T"

And after calming me down with some orange slices and some fetal-spooning, ET revealed to me his singular purpose

He said: "You are the chosen one, the one who will deliver the message"

"A message of hope for those who choose to hear it, and a warning for those who do not"

Me? The chosen one? They chose me? And I didn't graduate from fucking high school

You better

You better

You better

You better listen

Then you looked right through me, with somniferous almond eyes

Don't even know what that means, must remember to write it down

This is so real, like the time Dave floated away

See my heart is pounding, 'cause this shit never happens to me

I can't breathe right now, it was so real

Like I woke up in Wonderland, all sorta terrifying

I don't wanna be all alone, while I tell the story

And can anyone tell me why you all sound like Peanuts parents?

Will I ever be coming down?

This is so real, finally it's my lucky day

See my heart is racing, 'cause this shit never happens to me

I can't breathe right now

You believe me don't you?

Please believe what I just said

See, the Dead ain't touring and this wasn't all in my head

See, they took me by the hand, and invited me right in

Then they showed me something

I don't even know where to begin

Strapped down in my bed, feet cold and eyes red

And I'm out of my head

Am I alive, am I dead?

Can't remember what they said

God damn, shit the bed

Overwhelmed as one would be, if placed in my position

Such a heavy burden now to be The One

Born to bear and bring to all the details of our ending

To write it down for all the world to see

But I forgot my pen

Shit the bed again

Typical

Strapped down in my bed, feet cold and eyes red

I'm out of my head

Am I alive, am I dead?

Sunkist and Sudafed

Gyroscopes and infrared

Won't help, brain dead

Can't remember what they said

God damn, shit the bed

I can't remember what they said to me

Can't remember what they said to make me out to be a hero

Can't remember what it said

Bob help me

Can't remember what it said

Don't know, won't know

Don't know, won't know

Don't know, won't know

Don't know, won't know

Don't know, won't know

Don't know, won't know

Don't know, won't know

Don't know, won't know

Don't know, won't know

Don't know, won't know

Don't know, won't know

Don't know, won't know

God damn, shit the bed