Poor Unfortunate Souls

The only way to get what you want

Is to become a human yourself

Can you do that?

My dear, sweet child, that's what I do

It's what I live for

To help unfortunate merfolk, like yourself

Poor souls with no one else to turn to

I admit that in the past, I've been a nasty

They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch

But you'll find that nowadays

I've mended all my ways

Repented, seen the light and made a switch

True, Yes

And I fortunately know a little magic

It's a talent that I always have possessed

And dear lady, please don't laugh

I use it on behalf of the miserable, lonely and depressed

Pathetic

Poor unfortunate souls in pain, in need

This one longing to be thinner

That one wants to get the girl

And do I help them?

Yes, indeed

Those poor unfortunate souls, so sad, so true

They come flocking to my cauldron

Crying, "Spells, Ursula, please"

And I help them

Yes, I do

Now it's happened once or twice

Someone couldn't pay the price

And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals

Yes, I've had the odd complaint

But on the whole, I've been a saint

To those poor unfortunate souls

Have we got a deal?

If I become human, I'll never be with my father or sisters again

But, you'll have your man

Life's full of tough choices, isn't it?

Oh, and there is one more thing

We haven't discussed the subject of payment

But I don't have any

I'm not asking much, just a token really, a trifle

What I want from you is

Your voice

But without my voice, how can I–

You'll have your looks, your pretty face

And don't underestimate the importance of body language, Ha!

The men up there don't like a lot of blabber

They think a girl who gossips is a bore

Yes, on land it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word

And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?

Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation

True gentlemen avoid it when they can

But they dote and swoon and fawn

On a lady who's withdrawn

It's she who holds her tongue who gets a man

Come on, you poor unfortunate soul

Go ahead, make your choice

I'm a very busy woman and I haven't got all day

It won't cost much, just your voice

You poor unfortunate soul, it's sad, but true

If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet, you've got to pay the toll

Take a gulp and take a breath, and go ahead and sign the scroll

Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys

The boss is on a roll

This poor unfortunate soul

Beluga, sevruga, come winds of the Caspian Sea

Larynxes, glacydis, ad max laryngitis, la voce to me

Now, sing

Keep singing