A Miracle Would Happen / When You Come Home to Me

Everyone tells you that the minute you get married

Every other woman in the world suddenly finds you attractive

Well, that's not true

It only affects the kind of women

You always wanted to sleep with

But they wouldn't give you the time of day before

And now they're banging down your door

And falling to their knees...

At least that's what it feels like because you

Can

Not

Touch

Them

In fact, you can't even look at them—

Close your eyes, close your eyes, close your eyes

Except you're sitting there

Eating your corned beef sandwich

And all of a sudden, this pair of breasts walks by

And smiles at you

And you're like "That's not fair!"

And in a perfect world

A miracle would happen

And every other girl would fly away

And it'd be me and Cathy

And nothing else would matter—

But it's fine, it's fine, it's fine

I mean, I'm happy

And I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine—

It's not a problem, it's just a challenge—

It's a challenge to resist temptation

And I have to say that what exacerbates the problem

Is I'm at these parties

I'm the center of attention

I'm the grand fromage

And here she comes:

"Let's get a cup of coffee

Will you look at my manuscript?"

And I'm showing her my left hand

I'm gesticulating with my left hand

And then WHOOMP! There's Cathy!

'Cause she knows—They always know—

And there's that really awkward moment

Where I try to show I wasn't encouraging this

(Though of course I sort of was)

And I don't want to look whipped in front of this woman

Which is dumb, I shouldn't care what she thinks

Since I can't fuck her anyway!

And in a perfect world

A miracle would happen

And every girl would look like Mister Ed

And it'd be me and Cathy

And nothing else would matter

But it's fine, it's fine, it's fine

You know I love her

And it's fine, it's fine, it's fine—

It's what I wanted

And I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine!

It's not a problem, it's just a challenge—

It's a challenge to resist temptation

When you come home to me

I'll wear a sweeter smile

And hope that, for a while, you'll stay

When you come home to me

Your hand will touch my face

And banish any trace of gray

Soon, a love will rise anew

Even greater than the joy I felt

Just missing you

And once again, I'll be

So proud to call you "mine"

When finally you come home

To me

I'll be there soon, Cathy—

I'll finish up this chapter and be out the door

I swear I'll be there soon, Cathy—

Don't give up on me yet

I am so proud of you, baby—

You're doing what you never got to do before—

And I will be there, ripe and crawling

If fuckin' Random House stops calling

Don't lose faith—

Don't get down

Don't despair

I'll be there!

And in a perfect world

A miracle would happen

And that day would finally be here

And it'd be me and you

Riding it together

And the things we do

Goin' like we planned

We're gonna make it through

And nothing else will matter—

We'll be fine, we're fine

We're fine, we're fine

We're fine, we're fine, we're fine...

I'll be there soon, Cathy

I swear I will...