Welcome to Our House on Maple Avenue

He wants the hepplewhite suite chairs back in the parlor.

Move the G.I. Joe, it can't be on the floor.

He wants the dresden figurines back in the breakfront.

A slinky messes up the period decor.

Get the Lemon Pledge and dust the – they should face the same direction.

He wants it vacuumed, the surface gleaming.

He wants it closer to the door.

He wants, he wants, he wants!

He wants the brass candelabra set at an angle.

The crayons and the glue should go back in the drawer.

He wants the bust of Quixote square on the mantel.

Sweep that lint away, it's what a broom is for.

Gently wipe the eucalyptus.

Polish up the crystal prisms.

When he comes down here, he wants it ready.

We've got to get it done before.

He wants, he wants, he wants–

Where's my bronzing stick?

It's in the–

{Door slams}

Welcome to our house on Maple Avenue!

See how we polish and we shine?

We rearrange and realign.

Everything is balanced and serene.

Like chaos never happens if it's never seen.

Every need, we anticipate and fill.

And still...

He wants the real feather-duster used on the bookcase.

Find all the books we read, and carefully restore.

He wants them alphabetized by classification.

A volume out of place could start a third world war.

That's an inch out of position!

Watch it, that's a first edition!

What are we missing?

What have we left out?

When he comes down here, what's in store?

He wants, he wants, he wants.

Welcome to our house on Maple Avenue.

See how we polish and we shine?

We rearrange and realign.

Everything is balanced and serene.

Like chaos never happens if it's never seen.

We're a typical family quintet.

And yet...

Not too bad, if I say so myself.

I might still break a heart or two.

Sometimes if I burn so hot, I don't know what I'll do.

Not too bad, if I say so myself.

Not too bad.

Mrs. Baulkner! It's a pleasure to meet you. Come on in! It's obviously still a work in progress. Ah, yes, yes, I did all the work myself, that's how we were able to afford the place. No, no. Historic restoration is an avocation. That is very flattering! I teach English at Beach Creek High, and the Bechdel Funeral Home is our family business, so I'm also a funeral director. You have a keen eye! This, I found yesterday in the dump! Isn't it–uh actually, I believe we're up for a revival. Absolutely! Would you like one with the family? Kids! Mrs. Baulkner would like to take a photo!

Hello! Anybody home?

I'll be there in a minute! Oh, a young man, who helps out with the yard work.

He wants, he wants, he wants.

He wants more.

Caption: My dad and I both grew up in the same, small Pennsylvania town.

And he was gay, and I was gay.

And he...

Killed himself.

And I...

Become a lesbian cartoonist.