Green Christmas

Good morning (Good morning)

Good morning, Mr. Scrooge (Morning, Mr. Scrooge)

Morning, Mr. Scrooge (Morning, Mr. Scrooge)

Bah, humbug, everybody

(Good morning, Mr. Scrooge)

Well, the meeting will come to order, if you please

Are all the advertising people represented here?

(Everyone, except Amalgamated Cheese)

(Amalgamated Cheese)

Well, if they're not here for the Christmas pitch

I can't help them find new ways of tying their product into Christmas

That's why I'm chairman of this board

Let's hear it for me

(Hear, hear)

Alright, Abercrombie, what are your people up to ?

(Ah, same thing as every year)

(Fifty thousand billboards, showing Santa Claus)

(Pausing to refresh himself with our product)

Mmhm, well, I think the public has come to expect that

(That's right, it's become tradition)

Fine, fine, you there, Crass

I suppose your company's running the usual magazine ads

Showing cartons of your cigarettes

Peeking out of the top of Santa's sack?

(Better than that, this year we have him smoking one)

Um-hm

(Yes, we've got Santa a little more rugged, too)

(Both sleeves rolled up and a tattoo on each arm)

(One of 'em says "Merry Christmas")

What does the other one say?

(Less tars)

Great stuff

(But Mr. Scrooge)

What, who are you?

(Bob Cratchet, sir)

(I've got a little spice company over in East Orange, New Jersey)

(Do I have to tie my product into Christmas?)

What do you mean?

(Well, I was just going to send cards out)

(Showing the three wise men following the Star of Bethlehem)

I get it, and they're bearing your spices

Now, that's perfect

(No, no, no, no product in it)

(I was just gonna say, "Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men")

(Period)

(Well, that's a peculiar slogan)

Old hat, Cratchet

That went out with button shoes

You're a business man, Christmas is something to take advantage of

A red and green bandwagon to jump on

A sentimental shot in the arm for sales

Listen

Deck the halls with advertising

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

While you can be enterprising

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

On the fourth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

(Four bars of soap)

(Three cans of peas)

(Two breakfast foods)

And some toothpaste on a pear tree

On the fifth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

(Five tubeless tires)

(Four quarts of gin)

(Three cigars)

(Two cigarettes)

And some hair tonic on a pear tree

Chestnuts roasting

Say, Mother, as sure as there's an X in Christmas

You can be sure those are Tiny Tim chestnuts roasting

Tiny Tim chestnuts are full-bodied, longer lasting

This visible shell protects the nut

Now with XK-29 added, for people who can't roast after ever meal

(Tiny Tim, Tiny Tim)

(Chestnuts all the way)

Tiny Tim's roast hot, like a chestnut ought

And they are mild

Deck the halls with advertising

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Tis the time for merchandising

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Profit never needs a reason

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Get the money, it's the season

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Words to live by, Cratchet

(Ah, for you maybe)

(Can't you just wish someone a merry Christmas)

(For the pure joy of doing it?)

Why, what's the percentage in that?

Let me show you how to make Christmas work for you

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

And please buy our beer

There you go, Cratchet

That's Christmas with a purpose

(I know, but wait a minute)

(Don't you guys make a profit the other eleven months?)

(Christmas comes but once a year)

Huh, funny thing you should bring that up

That's exactly the point I was about to make

Hit it, boys

Christmas comes but once a year

So you better make hay while the snow is falling

That's opportunity calling you

(Jing bells)

(Rub your hands, December's here)

(What a wonderful time to be glad and merry)

Just so you're mercenary, too

(Buy an ad and show all the toys)

(Show all the toys up on the shelf)

Just make sure that you get a plug

You get a plug in for yourself

Christmas comes but once a year

So you better cash in while the spirit lingers

It's slipping through your fingers

Boy, don't you realize

Christmas can be sure a monetary joy

(Well, I guess you fellas'll never change)

Why should we?

Christmas has two S's in it, and they're both dollar signs

(Yeah, but they weren't there to begin with)

Huh?

(The people keep hoping you'll remember, but you never do)

Remember what?

(Who's birthday we're celebrating)

Well, don't get me wrong

The story of Christmas, in it's simplicity, is a good thing

I'll buy that

It's just that we know a good thing when we see it

(But don't you realize?)

(Christmas has a significance, a meaning)

A sales curve

Wake up, Cratchet, it's later than you think

(I know, Mr. Scrooge, I know)

On the first day of Christmas

The advertising's there

With newspaper ads

Billboards, too

Business Christmas cards

(And commercials on a pear tree)

Jingles here, jingles there

Jingles all the way

Dashing through the snow

In a fifty foot coupe

O'er the fields we go

Selling all the way

Deck the halls with advertising

What's the use of compromising?

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la