Dear Abby

'Bout uh, 'bout three months ago I was in uh

I was in, uh, Rome, uh, Italy

And New York, uh

I don't know what I was doing there

I was just there

No, I got this sandwich one day and they, uh

Gave me a newspaper

Well it, it was the only newspaper they had there

That was in English

And uh, they had all the news from all around the world just crammed

Into four pages

Uh, didn't even have any funnies in there

Every time you turned the page, something just jumped right out at you

You know?

I found an old friend in there

And I wrote her a song

This for uh, dear Abby

Dear Abby, dear Abby

My feet are too long

My hair's falling out

And my rights are all wrong

My friends, they all tell me that I have no friends at all

Won't you write me a letter?

Won't you give me a call?

Signed, B. Willard

B. Willard, B. Willard

You have no complaint

You are, what you are

And you ain't, what you ain't

So listen up, buster, and listen up good

Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear Abby, dear Abby

My fountain pen leaks

My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks

Every side I get up on, is the wrong side of bed

If it weren't so expensive, I'd wish I were dead

Signed, unhappy

Unhappy, unhappy

You have no complaint

You are, what you are

And you ain't, what you ain't

So listen up, buster, and listen up good

Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear Abby, dear Abby

Huh, dear Abby, dear Abby

Dear Abby, dear Abby

You won't believe this

But my stomach makes noises, whenever I kiss

My girlfriend tells me, it's all in my head

But my stomach tells me, to write you instead

Signed, noise maker

Noise maker, noise maker

You have no complaint

You are, what you are

And you ain't, what you ain't

So listen up, buster, and listen up good

Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking wood

Dear Abby, dear Abby

Well I never thought that me and my girlfriend, would ever get caught

We were sitting in the backseat just shooting the breeze

With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees

Signed, just married

Just married, just married

You have no complaint

You are, what you are

And you ain't, what you ain't

So listen up, buster, and listen up good

Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking wood

Signed, dear Abby