If You Were Gay

Ah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book 'Broadway Musicals of the 1940s' No roommate to bother me How could it get any better than this? Oh, hi, Rod (hi, Nicky), hey, Rod You'll never guess what happened to me On the subway this morning This guy was smiling at me and talking to me (Mm? That's very interesting) he was being real friendly And I think he was coming on to me I think he might've thought I was gay So, why, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care What did you have for lunch today? (Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod) I'm not getting defensive What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod I just think it's something we should be able to talk about (Well, I don't want to talk about it, Nicky!) (This conversation is over!) Yeah, but Rod (over!) Well, okay, but just so you know? If you were gay, that'd be okay I mean 'cause, hey, I'd like you anyway (ugh) Because you see if it were me I would feel free to say that I was gay, but I'm not gay (Nicky, please, I am trying to read) (What?) If you were queer (ah, Nicky), I'd still be here (Nicky, I'm trying to read this book) year after year (Nicky) Because you're dear to me (ah) And I know that you (what?) Would accept me too (I would?) If I told you today, "Hey, guess what, I'm gay!" But I'm not gay I'm happy just being with you (high button shoes, Pal Joey) So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys? (Nicky, that is gross) no, it's not If you were gay (ah), I'd shout hurray (I am not listening) And here I'd stay (la la la la la) But I wouldn't get in your way (ah) You can count on me to always be beside you every day To tell you it's okay, you were just born that way And as they say, "It's in your DNA" You're gay (I'm not gay) If you were gay (ah)