WATCHING ANIME

This is the climax of the season

I keep pausing and rewinding

It's in japanese and I need to read the subtitles

I'm distracted and lost in something resembling thoughts

Meticulously poring over the details of my weekend

Why am I already forgetting

I was laughing wasn't I

They were laughing with me

Pause

I just looked up the maximum Klonopin dose

I didn't look at the answer

I should put my phone down

Unpause

Should I tell someone I just searched that

No, I should save that for when I have the money for therapy

Or I'll write about it later then tear out the page

And burn it in some dramatic and romanticized way

Wait what did I just miss

Rewind

I'm thinking about how many it would take

Or if I would notice it happening

I have 100 of them

100 weighted blankets to help me fall asleep forever

Why did they give me 100

Rewind

I can't do it because I want to achieve my unrealistic dreams

And I am delusional

I'm having an argument with a record label

They think I'm too old to sign

I'm making points about other signed artists my age

They tell me those artists already made it in their twenties

We keep arguing and we both make good points

But I'm losing

This label doesn't exist

Neither does this man I'm talking to in my head

Or this conversation

Rewind

I fight the intense desire to tell everyone I love

But no one would understand

My heart is pounding and there's a sharp pain

Wait my heart isn't pounding it just feels like it is

Pause

No, it's pounding

I can see my shirt bouncing up and down

From some unseen force

Is it cold in here

Why am I sweating

The outro song is playing

I need to restart this episode