Big Butt Billy

I was traveling down that lonesome road

These past decades the highway's been my home

Stopped into Ariston off Route 66

That’s south of Winnipeg and north of Texas

With hash browns so burnt and eggs so raw

You make an Idahoan cry and hear the chicken squall

I sat in the corner booth with that particular conundrum

Do I want the Salisbury steak or do I dare the liver and onion?

I laid eyes on something I knew nothing about

I tell you good buddy, I was knocked right out

By Big Butt Billy, Big Butt Billy.

Well, how'd they ever get those tiny little britches on?

Well, good God almighty, hail Satan,

I've never seen a finer they/them than Big Butt Billy.

Yeah, setting the the fresh cup of joe in front of me

Was an elfin specimen of the non-binary quantity

Saying “Hey sweetie, what do you want on the top or on the side?”

I said “oh hey Billy say what do you like?”

So fair with blue hair and that septum piercing

And the bone structure that I find mighty appealing

What a callipygian angel sweet Jesus has gifted us

I’m trying to tell you buddy, that ass was ridiculous

On Big Butt Billy, Big Butt Billy.

Well, how'd you’d ever get those tiny little britches on?

Well, good God almighty, hail Satan,

I've never seen a finer they them than Big Butt Billy.

They brought me a meal so heavy and fine

I had to unhitch the wagons and sit awhile

And contemplate the great mysteries of life

As Billy filled my coffee for a third dang time

And asked if I wanted pie, and I did.

Now some of you friends might find this all kind of inappropriate

I'm here to tell you just friggin’ get over it.

Beauty is truth and truth is booty, be smart,

You can't put nookie on a sympathy card

You gotta find it for yourself

And who's bringing me a piece of pie for my health

But Big Butt Billy

Yeah

Yeah, I'm into what I'm into but I left pretty quick

I even made sure that I double tipped

I didn't dare leave my name and number on a napkin

So you can't tell me I ain't a perfect gentlemen,

But every now and then, every so often,

I think of what might have been, and I say this for the record, for posterity,

That what I left behind is the kind of posterior that troubles your mind…

I'm talking about the kind of big, bold, brash, bountiful brick doo doo house that might inspire these hairy-eyed long haulers to the sort of ocular circumambulations that generate loud and vulpine “AWOOGAAS” as in the days of yore…the kind of keister that might suggest direct interposition of the hand of God in the anterior matter of this young colt and or filly, for how else might such a voluminous pantaloon buster come to be on this green earth? My word! Who let you out of the house carrying that thing around in front of your mama and everybody?

And I say, oh, let it be blessing enough, weary pilgrim

To sanctify this dilly dally, this caffeinated lolly gaggery,

Let it sanctify the wheat toast of every Sysco diner coast to coast,

Make holy, holy the delicate waggle of the yolk jelly and jam,

Wherein the rod of my anger shall be consumed

In the glory of the great doo wop, doo wop, and the candy apple vinyl,

And the lemon-curd slack-jawing muddle of the talk of hay prices amongst the old folks

And those with high stature shall come and be humbled

By the fruitful soul and body of the chalice bearing neophyte

And the fryer shall lay down with the lamb-chop

And righteousness shall be the girdle of our loins

 

Along these addled highways

Wherein my obsessive primate brain

Endlessly seeks out attraction, affection,

and dare I say, love

From Big Butt Billy, Big Butt Billy.

Well, how'd you ever get those tiny little britches on?

Well, good God almighty, hail Satan,

I've never seen a finer they/them than Big Butt Billy.

I guess I'm going over to the Farm & Fleet

To look upon the wonders of humankind,

Something about a 45 dollar motel room and a good dream

That makes me feel like a king at night.