Myself

At some point, some point

It's bound to get better

It cannot stay that bad

Hold fast

I would have given anything

Not to feel torn apart like that

Not knowing why

Only sure the void was real

Since I felt it so deep within

Within myself

At some point, it's bound to get better

I've been living too long

Absolutely sure there was no chance

No hope for me

I pictured myself dead at 35

No way it could ever be any different

I've been seeking refuge in non existence

Solace in the booze

A constant numbing of the senses

To avoid the oh so dreaded action of thinking

Would have, could have, should have

As with anything new

All these years not lost but spent in pain

I'd like to believe it's over

Now that I finally feel free

Now that I finally met myself

I should have known better

Finally getting it, who I am

What I'm not at least

It doesn't make it all go away

It just raises more questions

Hold fast

Still lost, fearing rejection

I kept it to myself at first

And it gnawed at me

Cause now

I knew who i was

But I don't wish to see my old self

As a shackle

There is no old self per se

I've always been the way I am

And it's perfectly fine

Hold fast

My gender belongs to me

It's a playground

I wanna feel free to roam on

Fluid you say? Then fluid it is

Non-binary for sure, that's all I know

I've been keeping myself

In the dark for too long

Blindsiding myself

Shutting me off to what feels like half of me

Repressing things that were only

Natural to let out

And everybody knows what happens

If you put too much pressure on something

It found a way

First, a black tongue creeping up my spine

Turning everything into a dark blur

Sucking up the joy in every moment

Leaving nothing but pain

I found a way

Ethanol bliss

One beer at a time

You'll be fine

It's soothing the pain

Masking it all

But now, now, now I'm finally sober

I still need I still need to learn

Learn so much

But at least, now, I feel free