Headlights

Growing up I had a friend, I haven't seen her in a while

When we were in middle school, I'd walk from mine to hers on snow days, and

Sometimes we'd ride sleds together in the street, getting pulled behind a truck

We also carpooled a lot, and shared a seat on the bus, and in 8th grade, she was the first person I came out to

I trusted her, but not enough to tell her how my first crush was actually on another friend of hers

I don't remember where she introduced us

But I felt like becoming friends with him, as a friend of his friend

Was too impossible a distance to close without her finding out

I started going to her house more, increasingly so just to wait there in case he showed up

Her family would throw parties often at the holidays

And I would go there wondering if I'd see him again, whether it was at Christmas or at New Year's

There would be years he was absent, but I'd still spend those nights

Hoping his headlights would turn into the driveway

Over time, I started hating him, or I started hating myself

But I hated most how I'd pray each night

Asking God to make him see me in all the ways I couldn't