Shape I'm In

I’ve been writing down every move I make

and every waking thought

and I still haven’t found a through line

How can I explain when all the words I have escape me

I’m sorry for the mess

I’m sorry for the shape I’m in

and every hour on the hour

i have some revelation

a communion with a power

i cannot get a break from

damn the experts and the healers and my friends

I’m sorry that i yelled

I’m sorry for the shape I’m in

i put to bed the name my parents gave me to me

and i was once a boy

and i will be a grown-up when i get there

tell your god i’ve not forgotten how he made me

I’m sorry for my face

I’m sorry for the shape I’m in

And when I wished that I was gone

and I had spent all that you gave me

I ugly cried the whole way home

I don’t know how i made it

Damn the interstate the hospital the road I take to work

I’m sorry for the hurt

I’m sorry for the shape I’m in

When the river freezes over in the middle of the summer heat

and I am in the throes of it

I’m up too late I’m lower than I’ve ever been before

Lower than last time

I’d found my center and my stride and for a minute it had evened out

Told everyone that I was in control and

I could hold it in my hands awhile

Lower than last time

Then I swore I heard the angels singing “Lo, the savior comes”

I ignored the flashing lights and warning signs

Drifting higher than I’ve ever been before

Higher than last time

The clockwork of my illness is a sick joke I could laugh about

until I cry and cry and cry

Lower than I’ve ever been

Lower than i’ve ever been

I’m higher than I’ve been before

than i’ve ever been

I’m so much lower than I’ve ever been

High than I’ve ever been

I’m lower than I’ve ever been

Than I’ve ever been

Won’t you take a look

Won’t you take a long one

Don’t you turn away

Leave a porch light and a pot on

I cannot behave

I know I give less than I ought to

I know I cannot ask for you to stay

but I have got to

I’m sorry for the mess

I’m sorry for the shape I’m In