Humanhood

Maybe if I go down to the water

Maybe I can get back into my body

It's a hot day, shitty

There's weeds in the breakers

There's kids throwing tantrums and circling teenagers

I was changing in the bushes

Strip the clothes from my thighs

Crouching for a second

Bare my skin to the sky

Sweating, hidden

In the cottonwood and vines

My mind glitching, kinda

Thinking dark thoughts lately

And maybe

I should admit to somebody

It's been feeling cut off lately

Thinking, was I a person?

All I ever knew was I

Every morning

That I wake up in two eyes

I walked down the beach

Squinting in the light

Across the dirty sand, exposed

Carrying this humanhood

I went carrying this humanhood

I've been carrying this humanhood

Tryna make good on it

You always tell me

I would walk without grace

Something awkward

In how I brush the hair from my face

It could be better

If I'd just listen, if I'd change

I slip into the cold shock of waves and dive under

Roll, and look up from under

Blurred light

Blue, white, blue, white

Ripples that smash

Shore into sky

Shore into sky

Weightless for a second, I swim

Just breathing

I've been carrying this humanhood

I'm carefully carrying this humanhood

Ungracefully carrying this body

That's tired from carrying a mind

This citizenship in this personal life, I guess

This citizenship in this history, in this moment in time

This fragile life

One of a generation that might end this world I guess

Nobody tells you how to bear this

Was I really as you say?

Untruthful, untrustworthy

You tell me

Or always falling out of my body when I'm afraid

Always afraid

Can't seem to stay

Bear the weight of it, I guess

Carrying this humanhood

It looked like a burden

Carrying this humanhood

For lack of decision, too mangled a living

Carrying this humanhood

Too entangled a vision

Sacred though

Precious, oh