Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby

Now, I don’t know if you get all the news here in Nashville

But I may say something that’s very upsetting to many of you

It turns out that Bill Cosby is a rapist

I know, I always used to watch him on the telly as a kid

And I always used to think to myself

Ah, I bet he doesn’t rape

But

I’ve been wrong before and I’ll be wrong again

’Cause it turns out that his favourite thing is rape

He fuckin' loves raping people

Now, think about your favourite thing

You might be into sports, gardening, golf

I don’t know what the fuck you’re into

Now think about it, now replace it

With rape

And that’s how Bill Cosby feels all day, every day

Now, I did this routine in Australia

And they wrote a horrible review of the show

And I hate that people forget that I’m a comedian and that I’m joking

Um, but I have to do this little public service announcement

Before I do this routine

I believe, in many ways, rape is wrong

I believe, when possible, you should always avoid raping people

If you leave the show this evening

And you’re thinking about raping someone, Jim Jefferies says no

But Bill Cosby wouldn’t listen to me, would he? Fuck

‘Cause he fuckin' loves raping

Sixty women have come forward

Sixty women, it’s a big number, isn’t it? Sixty

Actually, a little bit too big, the real number is 52

But I can say what I want up here, so I just rounded it up to 60

Who gives a fuck, right? Plus, I’m of the opinion

After you rape 20, same prison time, keep raping, I say

So, seventy women have come forward, all right?

Now what happened is, your Whoopi Goldbergs of this world

When the accusations first came out, they were like

Oh, I don’t know if I believe all these women

They’re trying to ruin his legacy, or some bullshit like that

‘Cause these rapes happened in the ’70s and the ’80s, and they said

What took these women so long to come forward?

It’s a good question, I think it’s because, as rapes go

They weren’t the worst rapes, now, were they?

He never held them down and fuckin' raped them

He used to drug 'em and finger 'em a bit

And I’ve had worse Christmas' with uncles

What I’m trying to say is this

If I was ever going to be raped, I’d like to be raped by Bill Cosby

‘Cause I’ve been such a big fan of his for so many years

You know, it'd just be wonderful to meet him

How else would I get to meet him, you know?

Of course, you know, we’re in the same business

Comedy

So anyway, what he’d do is he'd drug the girls’ drinks

And the girls would pass out

Now, I don’t know the plight of the attractive female

I don’t know the hell they go through on a daily basis

But I do know this

If someone drugged my drink, I would take it as a compliment

I’d be in the bar going, I’m getting sleepy, who likes me? Who is it?

So he drugs the drink, and then you pass out for about four hours

Then you wake up and you’re like, ah, what the fuck happened?

And the first thing you would see is that hysterical face of his

And he’d have a couple of fingers in ya

And he’d be going

With the fingering, and the drugging, and the raping and the fingering

Tell me your first reaction wouldn’t be laughter

You’d be driving home before the fingering upset you

You’d be in your car going

Bill Cosby, that was really something

No, he shouldn’t have fingered me, that was wrong

Now, I did that comedy routine, which is

I was joking just then, I did that in Australia

And they wrote a very nasty article about me with the headline

You Cannot Joke About Rape

Ah

Turns out you can, I just fuckin' did it

And I think we can all agree that I nailed it, hey