Dear Self

Dear self, I'm sorry that I hurt you.

I chose to love others, but I never loved you.

I knew you were afraid of rejection, and I wanted to protect you.

But instead, I just let you be used.

I would watch you cry in the closet every night

Made you stay silent every time you had an issue

I know what hurts you every time people left.

But I would often say that it was all because of you.

I never listened

See I was taught that given everything you had, even when you had nothing was love.

The pastor told us God would be happy if we sacrificed ourselves even though Jesus did it for us.

I knew you liked girls, and I hated you for that

I knew you couldn't change it And I hated you for that

I knew that you were broken. And I hated you for that

I knew that you needed me but never gave you that

And I'm sorry

I've been trying to make amends with my broken pieces

Trying to learn to let go and forgive me for leaving.

I've been sitting down with God, and we've been talking about you

Said, I'll never find love if I don't care about you

Yeah, I know. It's hard to trust when people walk away.

I know it's hard for you to leave when you shouldn't stay.

I know It's hard to feel safe when you feel alone.

I know you feel like you do so much on your own but

I know that story in your mind and be telling lies

Trying to say that you ain't worthy of the good life

Trying to say that your mistakes define who you are

But you still deserve love, despite the many flaws

You try to prove yourself. Even if it killed you

You're worthy love and yeah, I mean, the real you

We don't have to be ashamed now

Know, we made a pact that we would never back down

But now's the time we can finally feel safe

And Learn to trust God every time my heart breaks

And I know I wasn't there when you needed me the most.

I was trying to fix others when I knew that you were broke.

But I can't take you back now.

I want to learn to love you and figure out how

How to give you what you need and accept you

And stop blaming all these people that left you.

So in 2021, I was in the hospital on a suicide attempt. And it was in that moment that I chose to learn to love myself heal and walk in the fullness of who God made me to be regardless of what other people would say about it. And I chose to come out as queer and accept myself because I believe that God accepted me as well.