No Place Like London

I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders

From the Dardanelles to the mountains of Peru

But there's no place like London

I feel home again

I could hear the city bells ring whatever I would do

No, there's no place like London

Mr. Todd, sir?

You are young

Life has been kind to you

You will learn

It is here we go our several ways

Farewell, Anthony, I will not soon forget the good ship Bountiful

Nor the young man who saved my life

Alms, alms

For a miserable woman

On a miserable, chilly morning

Oh, thank you, sir, thank you

How would you like a little muff, dear?

A little jig jig?

A little bounce around the bush?

Wouldn't you like to push me parsley?

It looks to me, dear

Like you got plenty there to push

Alms, alms

For a pitiful woman

What's got wandering wits

Hey, don't I know you, mister?

Must you glare at me, woman? Off with you, off, I say

Then how would you like to split me muff, mister?

We'll go jig jig

A little—

Off, I said, to the devil with you!

Alms, alms

For a desperate woman

Oh, pardon me, sir, but there's no need to fear the likes of her

She was only a half-crazed beggar woman, London's full of 'em

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

And the vermin of the world inhabit it

And its morals aren't worth what a pig could spit

And it goes by the name of London

At the top of the hole sit the privileged few

Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo

Turning beauty into filth and greed

I, too, have sailed the world and seen its wonders

For the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru

But there's no place like London