To Be Mud

It's not enough to be soft

If you can't be strong

I don't want to be mud

If I let it, this pain could be the end of me

Bubbles floating to the surface as I sleep, sink deep

I could wallow in my illness till it has all of me

Or pretend that I can run when I am crawling

And this is not what I thought

This is not what I thought

Walk down to the water wherever I am living

I will find it, it's not waiting unless there is none flowing

I can tell I'm holding my breath if I haven't found the water

When I notice this, it shows me if I'm gonna find my way back

And so far I have

Found home in the silence that the water leaves in my thoughts

Not like all the rest of the time, when they swarm and hum and burrow

And I've found home in assumptions of what people have to hold me

Found home in misunderstandings of what I am freely giving

And I'm not there now

Move away, away, away

Rebuild your life, it's like when your childhood pets have all died

And you know it won't be the same if you go home

Oh no, it won't be the same if you go home