Midland Hotel III - Graffiti

‘Believe in yourself’ – my mate read the words out loud

Written in blue sharpie on the cubicle wall of the gents in the midland

Not long after Ann’s performance in the dining room he’d felt a panic attack coming on

So he’s headed for the bathroom to try and calm down

Unfortunately, he’d been greeted by the bathroom attendant

Whose offer of a breath mint and a squirt of hugo boss sent him over the edge

He pushed the attendant into the sink and slammed the cubicle door shut

Keeping it closed with both feet

He read the graffiti on the wall as he hyperventilated

On coming back to that one

‘believe in yourself’ – it seemed so cliché and yet so poignant

I mean, why was someone writing this on the wall in the middle of a night out?

And who even brings a marker pen out with them?

And also, what kind of person would need an inspirational quote written on a bathroom door?

‘Well’ my mate thought, ‘I would’

My mate had never really believed in himself

He’s never really believed in much

Confidence was not his strong suit

He liked to watch other people do well

He never played video games as a kid

He’d just sit and watch his brother win them

And he’d always been happy like that, happy enough

‘For a good time call big John on 078526341…’

Like, how could you have the confidence to do that?

Just give you number out to a stranger and come meet them in the toilet of a restaurant

Like, do they get a drink first? Something to eat?

Or do they come straight up to the door like..

‘I know you’re in there’, the bathroom attendant said

My mate was silent, his heartbeat quickened and he continued to read

‘Stu Brown was here – 1992’

‘Jesus’ he said. ‘That chef’s been here for a while and I’ll be here a while too. This guy’s gonna kill me if I open the door’

‘What would jesus do?’

‘I dunno, would he vandalise the bathroom walls? Would he stay at the midland?

I’m not sure how Jesus would fate in Manchester. Well, as long as he didn’t wear football colours he’d probably be alright

Anyway, didn’t they crucify Jesus? And didn’t he just let them do it?

I don’t think Jesus is my best bet in this situation’

The pounding on the door continued

‘The joke’s not up here, it’s in your hands’

My mate had once read some evolutionary psychology that said boosting yourself above others is a typical mating strategy of males

While putting other women down is a classic female tactic

He wondered what the graffiti was like in the ladies

He wondered if he’s ever see his wife again

Knock knock knock – the bathroom attendant was still there

My mate stayed silent

His eyes darted around

He kept coming back to the first graffiti he’d read

‘believe in yourself’

If he just believed in himself, he wouldn’t be in this mess

He could legitimately explain himself out of the situation

Say his medication sometimes causes him to act out and that he was very sorry

But no, he couldn’t move

Any semblance of a functional person had gone

And the spiralling continued

You coward. You loser

You’re going to die if you don’t get out of here

And even if you do, this guy’s gunna kill you anyway

There’s nowhere to run. This is it

Your whole life has led you up to this point

The ultimate anticlimax

You’re gonna spend your last moments on this planet with your head in the toilet

Drowning at the hands of a vengeful bathroom attendant who’s been disrespected for the last time

‘What did I expect?’ my mate thought

‘I knew I’d never amount to anything. I never believed in myself so why should anyone else?’

And then, scratched in black biro under the door lock he read

‘What lies in front of you pales in comparison to what lies inside of you’

And a wave of clarity swept over my mate

‘What lies inside of me?’ he thought

‘What lies in front of me?’

It was as though he were floating above himself, watching from the ceiling

And from that viewpoint, he could see the enemy backing away from the door

‘Don’t think I’m finished with you, mate, I’ll be back.’

And with that, he left

My mate saw his chance

He rode the wave of calm and found the strength to stand up

He slid the lock open and stepped towards the sink

In front of him were what seemed to be hundred of half empty bottles of cologne

He picked up a random – hugo boss. That’ll do

He sprayed a cloud in the air, walked through it and then smashed the neck of the bottle on the marble sink top

The smell was powerful, alcoholic

He heard hurried footsteps approaching

He looked at the broken bottle in his hand and whispered

‘Believe in yourself’