Calling in Sick

Calling in sick for work. That's some of the best acting work we ever do in our entire lives. I was writing on a sitcom last year. I needed a particular day off. Like that when you need a particular day off, and you're like, "I could ask for that day off, but if they don't give it to me, I'm still not going to be there that day. So I'm going to have to go with a call in sick. Just going to have to call." It's a burden. It weighs on you. It's on your own personal calendar. You're like, "That's the day I got to call in sick. That's the day I got to do my three day acting tour they forced."

Because when I call in sick, I don't just call in sick on the call in sick day. I start acting sick around the office two days prior to the call in sick day. You ever have like it'll be like a few days before you're going to start pretending you're sick? I used to work front desk at a hotel and this happened one time. And the guy I'm with, he's like, "We're going to be alone on Sunday." And I was going to call in sick Sunday. "It's just going to be me and you on Sunday. I already took a look at the schedule. We're going to be getting slammed, so make sure you're ready." I go to him, "Yeah, no, absolutely, man. I'll be ready." But in my head I'm like, "Yeah, better be double ready. You have no idea how slammed you're going to be on Sunday."

You feel bad, but you can't tell him. You always want to be like, "Yeah, I just want you to prepare for the storm. I'm fucking calling in sick."

That's what I do three days prior to the call in sick day, I start acting a little sick. Little things, a little cough here and there. Normally I drink coffee, but instead I have tea. Do a hard dip with a bag until someone sees, "I want somebody see this." And somebody's like, "You're drinking tea? I thought you have coffee usually." I'm like, "Yeah, no, something might throw down, something's going down." And scene.

One time I was acting sick though and the guy's like, "Whoa, man, you sound bad. You should probably go home, man. I think you're getting sick." In my head I'm like, "No, no, I'll be sick Wednesday. I'm fine today. Wednesday. Wednesday I'll be sick."

I don't act much, or at all really, movies and TV. I did a show once and a director apparently was at the show. He wanted to meet me in the green room. And they're like, "He's a fan of yours. He's an important guy." I have very little time. I couldn't even Google him. So I walk in to meet the guy, and he's like, "Hey, nice to meet you." I'm like, "Hey, nice to meet you. Big fan of your work." That's what you say. That's what you say. He's like, "Thanks, because I'm a real big fan of you and your stuff." And he goes, "Do you do any acting? What's the last thing I may have ever seen you act in?" I just wanted to be like, "Guy, this room two minutes ago, I said I'm a fan of your work. I don't even know who you are. And you bought that, so we're good. I got it. I can act."

I don't think he's into the accent, that's why I don't really do a lot of acting. I don't mind, I have a very thick... Could you tell? Can you tell I'm from Kansas, sir? Sir?

I don't mind having my New York Long Island accent. It is what it is, baby. But let's be honest. The minute you start talking with this accent, nobody ever thinks, "Oh, there's a genius." I wish I could lose the accent sometimes. That's all. My wife and I went to get a mortgage on the house and I had to get a bank loan. Before we walk in, my wife goes, "When we go in there try not to sound all goomba." That was the note, don't sound goomba.

Right away, the bank lady come up, she's like, "Good afternoon." And I'm like, "Hey, how you doing?" Then she has to walk away to get something. My wife looks at me, "How you doing? How you doing? What, are you ordering a pastrami sandwich at a deli?"