Brain Tumor

Thank you for coming out

It is great to be here

Thank you so much

It is

It's been a crazy year for me, crazy year

I don't know if you know, in April

It was discovered my wife had a brain tumor

I'm not even making this up

It was removed, she's great, everything's good

Thank you

Thank you

I didn't remove it

I, I was in the other room soiling myself

But the tumor is gone

Along with my ability to ever win another argument

It's not like I was winning a lot before

But now I'm retired

And luckily, my wife's not the type to bring it up

Well, once she did

She was like, you know, I did have brain surgery

And I couldn't be like, yeah, that was like a month ago

It's time to move on, you know?

What about my seasonal allergies?

We all have our cross to bear

It was crazy

You know, the, the surgeon told me the tumor was the size of a pear

Which is scary but also confusing

I was like, did he go to med school or a farmer's market?

But tumors are often compared to fruit

A pear, a lemon, a grapefruit

Interesting fact, worse tumor, grapefruit

Worst fruit, grapefruit

When you think about it

A grapefruit looks more like a tumor than a fruit

I almost feel sorry for grapefruit

Yeah, we can't win

Yeah?

We're already the worst fruit

Now we're compared to the worse tumor?

Oh, at least we help old people poop

That is the worst impression of a grapefruit ever

It's kinda unfortunate that there's another fruit that's much smaller

Named grape

'Cause you know there's situations in doctor's offices

We've found a tumor, it's the size of a grape

Thank god

I didn't finish

Grapefruit

Oh, that's, that's very different

It's strange, you know, when

When the doctor told me the tumor was the size of a pear

I thought, wow, I guess doctors are bad at analogies

But I quickly realized, they're just dumbing it down for idiots like me

Like, the surgeon looked at me and thought

Well, this guy's not gonna understand centimeters

I don't even wanna try and explain circumference

Based on appearance, he doesn't eat fruit

But he's probably seen a pear

I mean, he's at the grocery store buying ice cream

I don't know why the surgeon sounds like Andy Rooney

You ever notice tumors look like fruit?

By the way, if you don't know who Andy Rooney is

You're a child

And if you do know who Andy Rooney is

You should probably eat more grapefruit

Tumors compared to fruits, they're, they're

Sometimes, they're compared to balls

Like a golf ball or a softball

But the surgeon looked at me and thought

I'm gonna stick with food

I'll get a better shot at this fat ass understanding

I joke around, but it was scary, we have five children

And there were moments when I was like

Oh, my gosh, if anything happens to my wife

Those five kids are gonna be put up for adoption

Some of these jokes are just for the fathers