Alexander the Great vs. Ivan the Terrible

Epic Rap Battles of History

Alexander the Great

VS

Ivan the Terrible

Begin

Look alive, crème de la Kremlin's arrived

And try to serve Ivan, no surviving

You're a land rover, I'm a land expander

Here to hand you your first loss, Alexander

I'll school you like Aristotle

Smack you harder than you hit that bottle

You're nothing but an overrated lush, I'll crush ya

I'm the first Tsar of all of Russia

You're an asshole with an anastole

I'm heaven sent, divine, and holy

So, don't even try to approach the God

Or you'll get a huge sack like Novgorod

Hey, fella, swell diss

But now you got the Pan Hellenist from Pella hella pissed

Stepping up's foolish as well as useless

Little Vasilyevich, let me spell out the list

I brought foes to their knees in Phoenicia

Breezed through Gaza to Giza

Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq

And Pakistan in my expansion pack

While you died in the middle of a game of chess

You got vodka bars, flavorless

And what I'm about to spit will be the craziest

So, go fix me a drink so I can stay refreshed

Kudos! Greek for the glory I got

From winning every single war that I fought

So, this will be straight forward, I'll take up the sword that I brought

And slice you in half like the Gordian knot

And I'll soar to the top

Like the eagle whose feather I would sport in the helmet that I wore

As I swatted my many enemies, shattered 'em like a porcelain pot

And they'd be praying for the torture to stop

But I would leave 'em contorted and they'd be screaming and roaring

Until their vocal cords were torn up and shot

And I would holler Bucephalus! Hop on my horsey and trot

I win, Ivan, I vanquish, I'm an immortal, you're not

Enough! I don't stand a chance against your skills

На здоровье! A drink to your victory

Yes, I will

It seems no one can defeat me

I weep, it's all so easy, ooh

What's wrong?

I feel a big queasy

Ha! You've been poisoned

Oh, the pain is unbearable

My stomach's riddled with holes

Uh, I'm Terrible

There's no great who could defeat this Russian

Psst, what about a flute busting Prussian?

(Old Fritz, Old Fritz)

(Old Fritz, Old Fritz)

(Old Fritz, Old Fritz)

(Old Fritz, Old Fritz)

I'm Fredrick the Great, out the gate, first servant of state

Oblique attack tactics ain't exactly straight

I've got creative talents and battle malice

Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the palace

Russia's fucked up, but no wonder why

With your tundras and taigas and bears, oh my!

I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes

If I had to look at your troll face every night

Now bring me my chair, I'm weary from tearing

You a new derrière from here to Red Square

Fought a Seven Years' War, I ain't scared of a tsar

'Cause beating you only took me twelve bars

Oh, what a humiliating defeat

I know when I am beat

So, of course, take a seat

I'd keep ripping you to shreds

But I'll take a break instead

And just rest my little head

Why don't you drop dead, Fred?

Hmmm, my expectations were a lot higher

But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire

It's another great day and another great victory

'Cause no Great can beat me

What about me? Pompey, yeah!

Macedonians, Prussians, and Romans

Those aren't worthy opponents

It takes a Russian to take down a Russian

I'm Cath, I'm a cat, you're a rodent

How are you the head of our state

When the state of your head was such a crazy one?

Such sick shit going through your brain

That you stuck a spike through your own son

You're unbalanced like I unbalanced

The European powers with the wars I waged

I brought the Russian empire straight out the olden days

And right into the golden age

I'm the boss bitch

That you just can't meddle with

This whole battle's like Alaska

'Cause I settled it

Hmm, what a beautiful Queen to beat me in a battle

Accept this gift, Your Highness, I hear you enjoy the saddle

That horse story is a pile of shit

Though I do keep 'em chomping at the bit

But you're never gonna get it, нет!

Couldn't spin in my chamber if this were Russian roulette

I'm picking up where Peter the Great left off

Bringing sexy back to House Romanov

So don't call me Queen, I'm far more great

Empress to Tsar 8, bitch, checkmate

Who won?

Who's next?

You decide

Epic Rap Battles of History