The Whole "Being Dead" Thing

Hey, folks! Begging your pardon 'Scuse me, sorry to barge in Now let's skip the tears and start on the whole Y'know, "being dead" thing You're doomed, enjoy the singing The sword of Damocles is swinging And if I hear your cell-phone ringing I'll kill you myself The whole "being dead" thing Death can get a person stressed "We should have carpe'd way more diems Now we're never gonna see 'em" I can show you what comes next So don't be freaked Stay in your seats I do this bullshit, like, eight times a week So just relax, you'll be fine Drink your fifty-dollar wine And take a breath Welcome to a show about death You're You're gonna be fine On the other side Die! You're all gonna die! You're all gonna die! I'll, I'll be your guide To the other side Though in full disclosure It's a show about death Everybody gets on fine here Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here The women's bathroom has no line here just Pee where you want, the whole "being dead" thing You're just gonna love the folks here Yeah, I know you're woke, but you can take a joke here And every show I do, like, a ton of coke here The whole, the whole "being" dead thing! Nobody is bullet-proof "I work out, I eat clean!" Jesus, pass the Dramamine Time to face the brutal truth (Dies Irae) 'Cause we're all on a hit list Might not live 'till Christmas Choke to death on Triscuits Hey, that just statistics So take a little break here Kinda like a wake here The scenery is fake here But there's a giant snake here Welcome to a show about death! You're, you're gonna be fine Thank you! On the other side How you doin'? Oh, not good! I'll, I'll be your guide To the other side Seriously, though, this is a show about Death is taboo, but it's hardly something new There's nothing medical professionals can do 'Cept maybe just bill you If you die while listening to this album It's still gonna keep playing There's no destiny or fate Just a terrifying wait Filled with people that you hate And on a certain date, the universe kills you! That's the thing with life No one makes it out alive Toss that body in the pit "Gosh, it's awful, ain't it tragic?" Blah, blah, "Bible Jesus" magic When you're dead, who gives a shit? "No pilates, no more yoga" "Namaste", you freakin' posers From the cradle to cremation (Dies Irae) Death just needs a little conversation I have mastered the art (Dies Irae) Of tearing convention apart (Dies Irae) So, how about we all make a start (Dies Irae) On the whole "being dead" thing God, I hope you're ready for a show about death!