Emotionally adventurous female in crisis

Seeks genetically blessed but avoidant male

With an altruistic breeding instinct

To father a child then pretty much bail

I'll look through my phone to figure out who

No no no

Ooh!

Hey, how have you been?

Oh good me too

You don't have undescended testicles do you?

Cool

So I did IVF twice but I have to go again

But I'm single and I don't have time to wait around for men

A donor bank's impersonal

Just too much of a gamble

And you're so great and blah blah blah

Okay no more preamble

I want your sperm I want your DNA

I want your baby and I want it like today

You're smart, talented, healthy, athletic

The flaws you have don't seem genetic

I mean that as a compliment

Plus your disinclination toward procreation

Makes the perfect combination to provide immunization from a

Fraught situation and/or legal complication down the line

And I'm attracted to the fact that you're avoidantly attached so you're naturally a match

Like if you had a kid you'd never met you'd just forget and totally be fine

I also mean that as a compliment

Look it's a favor to me but also to you cause think about this if you're torn

You get to fulfill the male urge to procreate

But also the male urge to not really help when they're born

Deadbeat dad, no one's mad, best deal anyone's ever had

That said

My hormones are dropping I'm covered in cysts

My uterine lining barely exists

I feel like a half dead un-milked cow

So I need to know right now

Will you be my bio dad?

Just that and nothing else

Of all the sperm in the world I want yours

To have a baby by myself

My bio dad

Just that and I'll leave you alone

Things didn't work out quite like I planned

So I'm gonna have a baby on my own

All you gotta do is go to Santa Monica at 8am

Give blood then come on command in a cup

Do it three more times and sign a piece of paper giving any custody up

Blood and sperm, blood and sperm

Then a quick little trip to the law firm

That's it

But also hold it in for a week did I not mention that

You need to abstain so I don't get your scraps

I also mean that as a compliment

Then go to a cold little room with the thin little door

You leave your shirt on drop your pants to the floor

The stack of magazines just isn't it

You've watched too much porn for this catalogue shit

Don't wanna be the guy to ask for the wifi

Gotta go through your mental porn hub

Think about something you should probably be ashamed of

You try to get to work but you can't ignore

They know what you're doing outside that door

And how long it's taking and what if they're listening

And what are they thinking and why are they whispering

And what if you miss or just can't come

Then you have to walk out there and tell everyone

But don't let that get in your head

Focus on what you're giving instead

Blood and sperm, blood and sperm

Not sure why they need blood but they do

And if all goes well the world will have

A new half version of you

Will you be my bio dad?

Oh that's my biggest wish

Of all the balls in the world I want yours

To come inside my petrie dish

My bio dad

You're the best single guy in my phone

Things didn't work out quite like I planned

So I'm gonna have a baby on my own

You're my first choice of a choice I never thought I'd have to make

And I've never had a choice where there was so much at stake

She's gonna be half of me

That's what I know so far

I close my eyes and go to that place where all the answers are

I ask myself or who's ever there what I'm supposed to do

And it keeps on telling me that her other half is you

Will you be my bio dad?

Just that and nothing else

Of all the sperm in the world I want yours

To have a baby by myself

My bio dad

And I'll just list father unknown

Life said no too many times

So I'm gonna have a baby

Alone