Chaos

(I) Got used to tears on my shirt sleeves

Panic attacks getting groceries

Deep breaths and incense and heart beats

The simplest of things could break me

(I) Got used to rationalizing

The trauma with fake silver linings

& living felt more like surviving

Never thought that I'd stop

I never thought that I'd stop crying

Ooh I'm finally healing my

Wounds spent so long broken in

Two trying to glue back the pieces

I don't know what peace is or

Who I am

When the chaos goes away

Why do I kinda wish it stayed

(I) Spent a year trying to make it out

And I don't know how to function now

When the chaos goes away

Why am I still not ok

(I) Can't even sleep through the whole night

(Or) go by myself on a long drive

Will I be like this my whole life

Already paid my price

Maybe I've spent so long outrunning my past

That I still can't help looking back

Will I always be waiting

For my whole world to cave in?

Ooh took so much time getting

Used to everything breaking in

Two trying to glue back the pieces

I don't know what peace is or

Who I am

Fighting the pain

Gave me a purpose

I pulled my demons

Up to the surface

I made a home in

All the discomfort

I found myself

In all the dysfunction

I got so sick of

Asking for help but I

Still can't take

Care of myself I got

So used to living through hell

That I feel so lost anywhere else

When the chaos goes away

Why do I kinda wish it stayed